Category: Alcohol

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How to Recover Your Life After Separation or Divorce

hopeful woman

When a partner announces suddenly that they want to end the relationship, the heartbreak is not always immediate. Often it is preceded by shock and decisions around what to do next: how to deal with being alone, returning to dating and getting on with life as a single person.

For an English-speaking person who is separating from a Swedish partner or from another expat or non-Swede, becoming single in Sweden is life-changing and can be traumatic. Often there are children involved and almost always there are decisions about finding accommodation to be made (we all know how hard it is to find rental apartments in Stockholm!).

According to the Swedish government bureau Statistics Sweden, about half of Swedish marriages end in separation. Sweden has one of the highest rates of divorce in the world. Whether married or not, leaving a relationship can be one of the most stressful and devastating life experiences to endure. The emotional consequences can include feelings of hurt, loneliness, regret, powerlessness and anger. These are all commonplace. For some, separation is sudden and final, but many couples have months of instability before they decide to go their own ways. Whatever the circumstances, breakups can be tough and painful.

Dealing with a Breakup

Some people deal with a breakup by going straight out to look for another partner. Others withdraw from friends and family and keep to themselves. There is no standard formula for recovering from separation but whatever you decide to do, it is important to look after yourself both physically and emotionally during this stressful time. Sufficient sleep, adequate nutrition, exercise and a balance of work, rest and play can all make a difference to your recovery (I covered these in detail in my last post, ‘5 Ways to Deal with Stress’). Isolating yourself and withdrawing from other people is usually not so helpful. And throwing yourself into too much partying or use of alcohol may not be either. The first often leads to more depressed mood and the latter to debilitating hangovers or embarrassing regrets!

If you are coming out of a long-term relationship, a separation or a divorce, you might find yourself ‘adrift’, with a sense of feeling lost or not knowing which direction to take. This is quite normal when experiencing such a major life upheaval. Those who have been through similar experiences advise that you should be kind to yourself and give yourself time to work out what is important to you again. And if you are considering returning to dating, remember that it might take some time to get used to doing that as well, if you are ‘out of practice’.

Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help

Talking about feelings and emotions is one of the best ways to manage stress and overcome heartbreak. Many of my clients fear their friends will tire of listening and have sought out counselling for an impartial perspective. Most counsellors are used to talking with people about separation and marriage breakdown. It can sometimes feel a little uncomfortable discussing your personal life with a stranger, but keep in mind that this is part of the counsellor’s job. I am paid to listen, help you explore your feelings and assist you with strategies and to find the best ways forward or adjust to a new life in Sweden. Whatever you decide, don’t be afraid to ask for help. I work with adults of all ages and nationalities, people who have been in LGBT or same sex relationships as well as those leaving heterosexual relationships.

If you’re struggling with separation or relationship issues and want to get your life back on track, you are welcome to contact me right now. You can come to see me on Södermalm in central Stockholm and we can have an initial chat over a cup of coffee or tea in my consulting room. I usually have appointments available within a couple of weeks. If you are outside Stockholm you can make a webcam therapy consultation. Webcam is convenient and private because you don’t need to travel. In any case, consider your options. People often tell me that they started to feel better as soon as they made their first appointment.

Contact Ash Rehn through email now

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Anxiety and Regular Therapy in Stockholm: Temporary and Ongoing Solutions

Image of a man with stress associated with cultural adjustment

International relocation to Sweden is a major life change for most people, particularly if it is the first time they have moved somewhere English is not the first language. But for a person with persistent anxiety, the stress of finding accommodation, dealing with visa issues, trying to make friends and maintain relationships can make pre-existing worries feel much worse.

How can regular counselling appointments help Anxiety?

The advantage of building a relationship with a professional therapist or counsellor is that when things go ‘pear-shaped’, you have someone who knows you and can work in ways that suit your background and personality. Uncertainty coupled with the frustration of being in an unfamiliar place can lead to mood swings, irritation and sometimes a sense of despair or hopelessness. It can be reassuring to know there is someone in Stockholm or online who is willing to listen and help you through the transition of settling into life in Sweden or assist to deal with anxiety over the long-term, if that is what you want.

Sometimes I am asked the question: Which is better, brief counselling or ongoing therapy? The straight answer to this is that they can both be helpful in their own ways. It really depends on what you are looking for. ‘Counselling’ is often the term to describe a series of appointments with a particular goal in mind like getting strategies to make it easier to talk to people at parties or ways to manage mood swings after a relationship break up. Sometimes particular methods like CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) or breathing techniques can be employed to meet specific objectives. Counselling appointments can also be a means to access health education or relaxation techniques. A series of counselling appointments might last 6-12 sessions over 2-3 months.

The word ‘therapy’ is usually used when people describe a process that takes place over a longer period, for example, from several months to a year. Therapy for anxiety can involve talking about previous life experiences and retelling these in ways that reflect new understanding or reveal skills and abilities that may not have been previously acknowledged. Or it can mean developing new approaches to fears or worries, putting these into practice, refining and modifying them over time while checking in with a therapist who helps monitor progress or maintain a sense of achievement. Of course some people choose to continue with their therapist even beyond a year. In this way, a therapeutic relationship can be akin to meeting regularly with a personal trainer, nutritionist or accountant. Ongoing therapy appointments aren’t just about solving problems. They can also be a way of maintaining your overall well being.

These are generalisations of course. You can attend therapeutic appointments with me in Stockholm or have coaching and counselling over Skype webcam for as few or as many sessions as works for you. Both approaches are more than just listening, and ideally are more than just being given skills or techniques by the therapist. Counselling and therapy work best when they are a collaborative process where both you and I work together.

What happens in Anxiety Therapy?

The answer to this question really depends on you, your preferences, experiences, hopes and expectations for the appointments.

I don’t work from a manual because people are not machines. While some of us have common experiences, we also have unique histories that require unique outcomes from therapy consultations. You might be someone who responds well to cognitive strategies and being offered new ways to think about distress and uncertainty. Or you might be looking for tools to modify your behaviour in  situations when nervousness takes over. Perhaps you just need a sounding board, to have someone hear what you are going through and ask questions so you can explain and understand your worries. Or maybe you just want to talk and get something off your chest?

I work with anxiety and depression every day. I’m used to meeting with people who feel nervous and don’t know what to expect from the appointment. When you come to see me I will do my best help you to feel comfortable and talk freely. You can talk to me in English and take a break whenever you need. What you say to me is confidential and I am bound by ethics and membership of my professional association to maintain your confidentiality. The only exceptions to this are where there is a high risk to a person’s life, when a child is in danger or if the law orders me to report something in particular. But even in these circumstances I will always try to discuss my concerns with you first.

There isn’t a set time frame for anxiety treatment. Adjustment to living in Sweden and culture-shock tend to require shorter term approaches than fears, hang-ups and suspicions that have been carried around for years. My intention is to provide you with a space where you can put down some of your psychological ‘baggage’, go through it with me, and decide what is useful and what isn’t. Together we can try to make sense of whatever is confusing you or holding you back so you can go forward. Hence ‘Forward Therapy’.

Trust develops as we get to know each other. If you have had difficult or unhappy memories of therapy appointments in the past, I welcome you to share these with me to help me provide you with effective consultations.

A Word about Drinking Alcohol and Stress

It is very common for expats to seek help for problems with drinking too much. Alcohol can enable people to relax and unwind, particularly when they are finding their job (or unemployment) stressful, if they feel they are not meeting the expectations of their partner or having other relationship issues. Unfortunately, drinking can also lead to the other extreme, a total absence of control, anger and more regrets. But even when people are struggling with drinking they don’t always want to stop completely. I will work with what you want to achieve in terms of your alcohol use and what you are aiming for, whether it is just a reduction in how much you drink, changing when or under what circumstances you drink or ceasing drinking completely.

We can meet in-person at my office in Stockholm, for Walking Talk-Therapy on Kungsholmen or over Skype webcam. If you would like to make an appointment, please contact me by email or leave a message on 08-559 22 636 for me to call you back.