Category: Breaking Up

  • Lonely in Relationship with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

    Lonely in Relationship with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

    Moving to a new country to be with your overseas-born partner can be an adventure. But it’s not always possible to foresee the difficulties and challenges ahead. Feeling lonely in relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner often creates a sense of neglect, particularly when dealing with the stress of unfamiliar culture. You might start feeling unloved if the person you thought was the love of your life turns out to be emotionally distant.

    It isn’t easy to manage these emotions while isolated. You can’t control other’s actions but it is possible to prioritise your own emotional well-being and decision making. Professional support can offer a path to recovery, empowerment and renewed motivation while acknowledging the importance of focusing on personal healing.

    Feeling lonely in relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner is common when moving to a new country.

    Understanding Cultural Differences

    Getting used to a new culture means more than just learning the language and customs. The nuances of communication, social norms and how people relate to each other can vary significantly from place to place. In many Latin countries kissing on the cheek is common whereas this isn’t so acceptable in northern Europe. When I first moved to Stockholm, I was surprised to find that people generally introduced themselves. In Australia and in British culture, we tend to wait to be introduced.

    This adjustment process, in addition to not understanding the language, can leave newcomers feeling isolated and misunderstood. Developing cultural competence takes time and patience. This can impact existing intimate relationships. It is not unusual to experience a sense of disconnection after moving overseas to live with a partner in their home country. This is an additional stressor, intensifying feelings of loneliness. But the stress of relocation itself can physically manifest as hair loss, insomnia, body tension, irritability, digestive issues and mood swings. When empathy from a partner isn’t forthcoming, support from a professional coach who understands the cultural landscape can provide insights and strategies for navigating these challenges and managing stress.

    Dealing with Relationship Problems with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

    Perhaps you only recently became aware of unresolved conflict in your relationship? Relocating to a new country has a way of amplifying existing partner problems. Communication breakdowns, avoidance and differing expectations all contribute to feelings of loneliness and emotional neglect.

    You might have already tried, unsuccessfully, to change your partner’s behaviour. You might have found they are resistant to any requests for change. Or you might actually be experiencing subtle or overt abuse or manipulative behaviour like gaslighting or other forms of coercive control. If you are doubting yourself or feeling confused there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with you. Anger and frustration are ways your body informs you that something is going wrong. Listen to your body and reach out for help.

    Make an appointment to discuss an emotionally unavailable relationship

    Communication breakdowns, avoidance and differing expectations all contribute to feelings of loneliness and emotional neglect

    Regaining trust in yourself is important if you are going to survive a toxic relationship. Counselling offers a safe space to explore these difficulties openly and constructively. You might not be able to influence your partner but you can work on your own assertiveness and boundary-setting within the relationship. If you reach a point where you realise you are feeling lonely in relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, professional support can assist. Online counselling can support you in marital separation, the grieving process and provide a means to plan the way forward.

    How to expose covert abuse, coercive control and gaslighting

    Cultivating Self-Compassion and Resilience while Feeling Lonely

    An emotionally unavailable partner can trigger feelings of loneliness which can, in turn, erode your trust in yourself. In my work as an English speaking coach and counsellor I’ve met many people who have disclosed low self-esteem. I call it having a bad relationship with yourself. Low mood can cause you to struggle with managing everyday life in a new country. Prioritising your well-being is a better starting place than treating normal human difficulties like a mental health disorder.

    Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness-based practices can be applied to increase awareness and feelings of self-control. Self-compassion is an approach to that builds resilience, increases your ability to cope and fosters healing. If you are self-sabotaging with criticism and behaviour you later regret, there is a way forward that doesn’t involve pulling yourself down.

    If you are self-sabotaging with criticism and behaviour you later regret it could be that you are feeling lonely in relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner.

    The role of a self-compassion coach or counsellor is to encourage you to be a friend, not an enemy, to yourself. Feeling lonely in relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner is not uncommon. You are not alone in what you are experiencing, others have navigated through similar problems and there is much to be gained from their stories. And however overwhelming it may seem, you are also more than the emotional state you happen to be experiencing right now.

    Finding Professional Support and Making Connections in a New Country

    Loneliness evolves from a lack of meaningful connections and support. Cultivating a social network does takes time and sometimes it can feel too hard to begin. You can take smaller steps which are easier. It helps to have encouragement and guidance on the way.

    Feeling abandoned or neglected by an emotionally unavailable partner need not determine your identity. If you have relocated to a new country and would like to talk through the problems in your intimate relationship, send an enquiry today. As an English-speaking Australian therapist I offer online therapy with people not only in Swedish cities like Stockholm and Gothenburg but in cities around the world including Hong Kong, Tokyo, Seoul, Shanghai, Sydney, Buenos Aires and Rio de Janiero. You’re welcome to contact me and take the first step in recovering your motivation and enjoyment of life.

    Book an online counselling appointment

    Loneliness evolves from a lack of meaningful connections and support.
  • How to Recover Your Life After Separation or Divorce

    How to Recover Your Life After Separation or Divorce

    When a partner announces suddenly that they want to end the relationship, the heartbreak is not always immediate. Often it is preceded by shock and decisions around what to do next: how to deal with being alone, returning to dating and getting on with life as a single person.

    For an English-speaking person who is separating from a Swedish partner or from another expat or non-Swede, becoming single in Sweden is life-changing and can be traumatic. Often there are children involved and almost always there are decisions about finding accommodation to be made (we all know how hard it is to find rental apartments in Stockholm!).

    According to the Swedish government bureau Statistics Sweden, about half of Swedish marriages end in separation. Sweden has one of the highest rates of divorce in the world. Whether married or not, leaving a relationship can be one of the most stressful and devastating life experiences to endure. The emotional consequences can include feelings of hurt, loneliness, regret, powerlessness and anger. These are all commonplace. For some, separation is sudden and final, but many couples have months of instability before they decide to go their own ways. Whatever the circumstances, breakups can be tough and painful.

    Dealing with a Breakup

    Some people deal with a breakup by going straight out to look for another partner. Others withdraw from friends and family and keep to themselves. There is no standard formula for recovering from separation but whatever you decide to do, it is important to look after yourself both physically and emotionally during this stressful time. Sufficient sleep, adequate nutrition, exercise and a balance of work, rest and play can all make a difference to your recovery (I covered these in detail in my last post, ‘5 Ways to Deal with Stress’). Isolating yourself and withdrawing from other people is usually not so helpful. And throwing yourself into too much partying or use of alcohol may not be either. The first often leads to more depressed mood and the latter to debilitating hangovers or embarrassing regrets!

    If you are coming out of a long-term relationship, a separation or a divorce, you might find yourself ‘adrift’, with a sense of feeling lost or not knowing which direction to take. This is quite normal when experiencing such a major life upheaval. Those who have been through similar experiences advise that you should be kind to yourself and give yourself time to work out what is important to you again. And if you are considering returning to dating, remember that it might take some time to get used to doing that as well, if you are ‘out of practice’.

    Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help

    Talking about feelings and emotions is one of the best ways to manage stress and overcome heartbreak. Many of my clients fear their friends will tire of listening and have sought out counselling for an impartial perspective. Most counsellors are used to talking with people about separation and marriage breakdown. It can sometimes feel a little uncomfortable discussing your personal life with a stranger, but keep in mind that this is part of the counsellor’s job. I am paid to listen, help you explore your feelings and assist you with strategies and to find the best ways forward or adjust to a new life in Sweden. Whatever you decide, don’t be afraid to ask for help. I work with adults of all ages and nationalities, people who have been in LGBT or same sex relationships as well as those leaving heterosexual relationships.

    If you’re struggling with separation or relationship issues and want to get your life back on track, you are welcome to contact me right now. You can come to see me on Södermalm in central Stockholm and we can have an initial chat over a cup of coffee or tea in my consulting room. I usually have appointments available within a couple of weeks. If you are outside Stockholm you can make a webcam therapy consultation. Webcam is convenient and private because you don’t need to travel. In any case, consider your options. People often tell me that they started to feel better as soon as they made their first appointment.

    Contact Ash Rehn through email now

  • Therapy for a Broken Heart, Separation or Relationship Breakdown

    Therapy for a Broken Heart, Separation or Relationship Breakdown

    How do you overcome a relationship breakup?

    Dealing with heartache. Coping with rejection. Recovering after splitting up. These are subjects about which I am regularly consulted as an English speaking therapist in Stockholm. And I wish there was a simple solution that worked for everyone. The good news is that most people find it helps to talk over matters of the heart. It’s even better when the person you are talking to really listens and asks some questions or offers some perspectives you hadn’t thought about before.

    Whether you have left a long term relationship or are struggling after a series of short romances that went bad, sharing the hurt and making sense of it can be part of getting your life back together.

    More information about separation counselling in Stockholm or online

    The Shock and Pain of Separation

    How long does it take to heal from a separation?

    There are no rules about the time it takes to recover from splitting up. In these situations it can help to throw out expectations about what is normal. Maybe you are dealing with loneliness or emotional pain and looking for coping strategies. And it can help to have some of these if you want to keep working, you have children to care for or you are just trying to hold your life together! But my experience is that coping techniques work best when they are adapted for each person. If they were the same for everyone, it would be easier to read a self-help book than see a relationship therapist.

    “Ja visst gör det ont när knoppar brister”  Karin Boye, Swedish poet

    A Coffee and a Chat, A Walking Companion or Making a Game Plan

    Private counselling is an opportunity to speak in confidentiality about things that you might not be ready to tell anyone else.

    The same approach to counselling or therapy doesn’t work for everyone. All kinds of people come to see me to discuss their relationship breakdowns – engineers, creatives, lawyers, psychologists, business people, researchers, teachers, athletes – and they are at all different places in terms of separating from their partners. Some people want advice about dating, some ask for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). Some are fine to talk (and sometimes cry) over a cup of tea or coffee. Others want to make a game plan about their recovery and I have a whiteboard in my room we can use for that purpose (you can even take a photo of it at the end of the session). And if you don’t feel like sitting still, you don’t have to; we can take a walk together and talk in the fresh air. I also work over webcam, so we can meet in Stockholm or online from wherever you are in Sweden or elsewhere in the world. My approach to talk therapy is flexible and responsive to the circumstances you bring to the consultation and your personal preference for the appointment.

    Don’t let doubt or indecision stop you considering your options or getting your life back. Contact me now for more information about my fees and services.

    Dealing with fears, feelings and emotions can be a collaborative process. Regardless of whether you have just separated from your sambo, are going through a divorce with your husband or wife, just adjusting to being on your own or ready to start dating again, conversations are therapeutic. Narrative Therapy offers an approach to talking about relationships that is quite unlike other therapy. People tell me that their friends always have advice but it is another thing altogether to confide in a therapist or work together to start feeling better.

    If you are unsure, you are welcome to write to me using this email form, and ask me any questions. You can also call and leave a message on 08-559 22 636 if you would prefer to speak in person (let me know the best times to return your call). I look forward to hearing from you.