English Speaking Therapist | Forward Therapy Stockholm

Category: Relationship Therapy

  • Lonely in Relationship with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

    Lonely in Relationship with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

    Moving to a new country to be with your overseas-born partner can be an adventure. But it’s not always possible to foresee the difficulties and challenges ahead. Feeling lonely in relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner often creates a sense of neglect, particularly when dealing with the stress of unfamiliar culture. You might start feeling unloved if the person you thought was the love of your life turns out to be emotionally distant.

    It isn’t easy to manage these emotions while isolated. You can’t control other’s actions but it is possible to prioritise your own emotional well-being and decision making. Professional support can offer a path to recovery, empowerment and renewed motivation while acknowledging the importance of focusing on personal healing.

    Feeling lonely in relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner is common when moving to a new country.

    Understanding Cultural Differences

    Getting used to a new culture means more than just learning the language and customs. The nuances of communication, social norms and how people relate to each other can vary significantly from place to place. In many Latin countries kissing on the cheek is common whereas this isn’t so acceptable in northern Europe. When I first moved to Stockholm, I was surprised to find that people generally introduced themselves. In Australia and in British culture, we tend to wait to be introduced.

    This adjustment process, in addition to not understanding the language, can leave newcomers feeling isolated and misunderstood. Developing cultural competence takes time and patience. This can impact existing intimate relationships. It is not unusual to experience a sense of disconnection after moving overseas to live with a partner in their home country. This is an additional stressor, intensifying feelings of loneliness. But the stress of relocation itself can physically manifest as hair loss, insomnia, body tension, irritability, digestive issues and mood swings. When empathy from a partner isn’t forthcoming, support from a professional coach who understands the cultural landscape can provide insights and strategies for navigating these challenges and managing stress.

    Dealing with Relationship Problems with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

    Perhaps you only recently became aware of unresolved conflict in your relationship? Relocating to a new country has a way of amplifying existing partner problems. Communication breakdowns, avoidance and differing expectations all contribute to feelings of loneliness and emotional neglect.

    You might have already tried, unsuccessfully, to change your partner’s behaviour. You might have found they are resistant to any requests for change. Or you might actually be experiencing subtle or overt abuse or manipulative behaviour like gaslighting or other forms of coercive control. If you are doubting yourself or feeling confused there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with you. Anger and frustration are ways your body informs you that something is going wrong. Listen to your body and reach out for help.

    Make an appointment to discuss an emotionally unavailable relationship

    Communication breakdowns, avoidance and differing expectations all contribute to feelings of loneliness and emotional neglect

    Regaining trust in yourself is important if you are going to survive a toxic relationship. Counselling offers a safe space to explore these difficulties openly and constructively. You might not be able to influence your partner but you can work on your own assertiveness and boundary-setting within the relationship. If you reach a point where you realise you are feeling lonely in relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, professional support can assist. Online counselling can support you in marital separation, the grieving process and provide a means to plan the way forward.

    How to expose covert abuse, coercive control and gaslighting

    Cultivating Self-Compassion and Resilience while Feeling Lonely

    An emotionally unavailable partner can trigger feelings of loneliness which can, in turn, erode your trust in yourself. In my work as an English speaking coach and counsellor I’ve met many people who have disclosed low self-esteem. I call it having a bad relationship with yourself. Low mood can cause you to struggle with managing everyday life in a new country. Prioritising your well-being is a better starting place than treating normal human difficulties like a mental health disorder.

    Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness-based practices can be applied to increase awareness and feelings of self-control. Self-compassion is an approach to that builds resilience, increases your ability to cope and fosters healing. If you are self-sabotaging with criticism and behaviour you later regret, there is a way forward that doesn’t involve pulling yourself down.

    If you are self-sabotaging with criticism and behaviour you later regret it could be that you are feeling lonely in relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner.

    The role of a self-compassion coach or counsellor is to encourage you to be a friend, not an enemy, to yourself. Feeling lonely in relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner is not uncommon. You are not alone in what you are experiencing, others have navigated through similar problems and there is much to be gained from their stories. And however overwhelming it may seem, you are also more than the emotional state you happen to be experiencing right now.

    Finding Professional Support and Making Connections in a New Country

    Loneliness evolves from a lack of meaningful connections and support. Cultivating a social network does takes time and sometimes it can feel too hard to begin. You can take smaller steps which are easier. It helps to have encouragement and guidance on the way.

    Feeling abandoned or neglected by an emotionally unavailable partner need not determine your identity. If you have relocated to a new country and would like to talk through the problems in your intimate relationship, send an enquiry today. As an English-speaking Australian therapist I offer online therapy with people not only in Swedish cities like Stockholm and Gothenburg but in cities around the world including Hong Kong, Tokyo, Seoul, Shanghai, Sydney, Buenos Aires and Rio de Janiero. You’re welcome to contact me and take the first step in recovering your motivation and enjoyment of life.

    Book an online counselling appointment

    Loneliness evolves from a lack of meaningful connections and support.
  • How to Expose Covert Abuse, Coercive Control and Gaslighting

    How to Expose Covert Abuse, Coercive Control and Gaslighting

    The red-flags for covert abuse, coercive control and gaslighting in a toxic relationship usually take time to notice. We enter into coupledom in a state of vulnerability, with an open heart, and assuming our partner has the best intentions. When things go wrong, we might blame ourselves or start thinking we are unwell. Then we notice the warning signs in the form of patterns of dominating conduct. Becoming aware of manipulation and controlling behaviour in intimate relationships is the first step in managing and ultimately refusing it. Recovering and healing from the psychological harm inflicted by an abusive ex-partner can be better helped by counselling and other professional support.

    Manipulation through Deception and Abuse Erodes Self-Worth

    As an online therapist for English-speaking expats in Sweden and around the world, I work with many individuals struggling with coercive control and gaslighting. Sometimes clients contact me for couples therapy when they are actually looking for a referee or help in escaping the relationship. Often, in their initial emails, my counselling clients outline problematic behaviour by their spouse, sambo or lover that is clearly inconsistent with the signs of a healthy relationship. I’m referring here to the trust, respectful communication, mutual support, shared decision making and commitment to each other’s growth. Most of us are seeking those when we start sharing a life with someone.

    Examples of controlling behaviour in relationships are abundant. Gaslighting, for example, is a specific type of manipulation that leads a person to self-doubt. It could be via outright deception or ‘crazy-making’ (pathologising). I often hear stories from people who arrive in Sweden from to start a new life only to find themselves pseudo-diagnosed by their partner as depressed, anxious, ‘bipolar’, obsessive compulsive disorder, or ‘ADHD’ or as suffering from borderline personality disorder. The effect on my English speaking clients is to undermine their sense of self and distort their reality. They feel sick, wrong or broken. Covert abuse, consistent coercive control and gaslighting can make a person mentally ill.

    Covert abuse, consistent coercive control and gaslighting can make a person mentally ill.

    Self-Worth and the Adjustment to Swedish Culture

    In other cases the controlling behaviour is more subtle. It might include prioritising friends or family over a partner, consistently making unilateral decisions or demanding particular outcomes without any offers or negotiation (also known as ‘my way or the highway’). Some clients are repeatedly infantilised. Their partners are not prepared to accommodate the time it might take a new immigrant to adjust to Swedish culture. In some cases my clients are being ‘abandoned with care’: made important but worthless at the same time through the provision of limited financial support but a disregard for emotional needs. These are all situations that result in an erosion of self-worth.

    What to do when your partner refuses to attend couples counselling

    More obvious abusive relationships involve the denial of autonomy, or monitoring and surveillance of activity. Name-calling, mockery, put downs and other forms of bullying are further examples. Threatening harm to pets, or children, or even violence to the person themselves might be accompanied by a suggestion that the victim would somehow be responsible for the abuser’s behaviour. These are clear signs of abuse that will have a person living in fear. The turning point for my talk therapy clients in Sweden is often the realisation that they can choose not to live in fear and that everyone has a right to an intimate relationship free of dread, coercive control and gaslighting, even when socially isolated in an unfamiliar country.

    Book online for a Skype, Zoom or phone consultation

    Vulnerability to Coercive Control and Gaslighting for Expats in Sweden

    Abusive and controlling behaviour in expat relationships arises in combination with a number of factors. Moving to a new country can be stressful and the person immigrating often leans into their partner for more support in the initial months and years. There are sometimes massive Swedish cultural differences not always apparent when first arriving. Language and communication difficulties can erode a person’s confidence and lead to further reliance on the native partner. Social isolation and financial dependence can play a part in ceding to a domineering spouse or lover. When one partner starts disregarding or disrespecting the other, it often leads to loneliness within the relationship.

    But these instances don’t explain every situation. What about so called Third Culture Kids (TCKs), adults who spend a good deal of their childhood moving countries with their parents? I assist many TCKs via webcam therapy sessions from Sweden other countries. They also often report symptoms of toxic relationships despite often being adept at adjusting to new countries and cultures and having advanced language skills. So what might be happening for TCKs?

    Third Culture Kids (TCKs) often report symptoms of toxic relationships despite often being adept at adjusting to new countries and cultures.

    The acceptance and tolerance of controlling behaviour often relates back to past relationships. It can evolve due to or childhood experiences or religious trauma. Often my clients realise they have a pattern of abusive relationships that defy transnational migration and transcultural relocation. Interpersonal conflicts re-emerge. The emotional support yearned for is distinctly absent. The awakening to a relationship as controlling is a shock. But moving to a new country represents a new start, a way of leaving a difficult or shameful past behind. Unfortunately it can also mean a replication of the enmeshment or co-dependence that occurred in the family of origin or church along with similar abandonment, isolation, loneliness, and neglect.

    Toxic Relationships: A Pattern from Childhood and Family

    We are usually drawn to people who offer the promise of a missing experience, something we seek in childhood but never receive. Yet the person who attracts us can also be somewhat familiar. Ever heard the expression ‘They married their mother / father’? For those with backgrounds of neglect, abuse or abandonment, where a parent is distant, absent, critical or authoritarian, it can be easy to slip into yet another unsatisfactory and abusive relationship. But if you start to recognise a pattern in your relationships, that they are abusive or mirror somewhat the relationship you had with a parent, it’s important not to give yourself a hard time. Now you can use self-compassion.

    Some clients report a kind of low mood that persists since childhood. They manage go about their lives, appearing somewhat functional, but never feel particularly happy for long. The trauma therapist and Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW) Patrick Teahan refers to this as Refrigerator Buzz Depression. You live with it for so long that it becomes background noise. Processing childhood trauma, and awakening to how bad it is, are integral to recovery but can initially inflame mood disturbances. At the same time, changing one’s life by moving to a new country like Sweden can also bring the realisation that you no longer have to put up with the sadness you have lived with for so long.

    Moving to a new country like Sweden can bring the realisation that you no longer have to put up with the sadness you have lived with for so long.

    Treatment, Healing and Recovery from Coercive Control and Gaslighting in Relationships

    Finding your way out of a controlling relationship involves awareness, accessing support and taking practical action. But it also means trusting yourself. We evolve with emotions for good reason. Noticing your anger, shame, fear or sadness is part of realising that something is wrong. Developing a kinder and less critical relationship with yourself can be the key to accessing a way out.

    The isolation of being in a foreign country like Sweden can cause confusion. If you are struggling to understand how to cope in your relationship, an individual consultation might be better help than couples counselling. For a relationship beyond repair, couples therapy can only involve supporting the relationship to end. An individual session might reveal you have been over-tolerating bad behaviour. You could be in a state of self-blame or toxic shame. You may find it difficult to navigate relationships and deal with coercive control and gaslighting. Getting good with yourself through the encouragement of an English speaking therapist can assist you to manage emotions and develop a course of action. If you are in danger, go to the police.

    Therapy for Managing Controlling Relationships

    Therapy for those experiencing manipulation by their intimate partners can involve:

    • Stress management techniques;
    • Problem solving around boundaries, risk and managing safety;
    • Psychoeducation to understand the signs of coercive control and gaslighting and other forms of covert abuse;
    • Strategies for de-escalating, responding to and eliminating abusive behaviour;
    • Development of a plan around financial independence and social and emotional support;
    • Grief counselling, particularly around the sense of betrayal and emotions that accompany separation.

    Good talk therapy is not simply about venting or offloading your feelings. Being able to talk and be heard are important but an experienced therapist will not only listen, they will assist you to develop your self-agency or your capacity to change your circumstances. They will encourage and support you to take action and reach a turning point. This might involve practising self-compassion, assertiveness or prioritising new habits over fast gratification. In any case, a willingness to take new steps is part of recovery. Even the best psychologist in Stockholm will not be influential if you are not willing to do something yourself about the situation.

    Identifying, dealing with and recovering from a relationship involving coercive control and gaslighting can take time. This is particularly true for those who find themselves isolated in toxic partnerships that resonate with abusive childhood experiences. In the beginning, it can feel overwhelming. But with the right support, it is possible to change your circumstances and recover both a sense of safety and a nurturing relationship with yourself.

    Make an appointment now for therapy online with Ash Rehn

  • Relationship Counselling: Ending the Blame Game for Better Communication

    Relationship Counselling: Ending the Blame Game for Better Communication

    How often have you been in a situation where your partner has blamed you unfairly or found fault with everything you say? Constant put-downs and negativity mean criticism is thriving in your relationship. Here are some ideas about how to nip them in the bud and start having better communication with your partner.

    First up, let’s talk about language. I prefer not to use terms like ‘critical people’ or ‘blamers’. Anyone can fall into speaking critically of others. Criticism can take the form of always pointing out what is wrong, constant negative comments or picking fights. If it’s coming from your partner, it could be a sign of unhappiness of lack of fulfilment. But don’t take it personally: people who have been taken over by criticism are generally in a bad way!

    Send me a question or enquiry

    Criticism: You Can’t Fight Fire with Fire

    When criticism and negativity becomes obvious, it’s time for action. But you can’t fight fire with fire. Imagine reacting to criticism with criticism… it doesn’t work does it? Most of the time when we are burning up with criticism we aren’t even aware of it. Pointing it out can just fan the flames. We need to be a little more strategic.

    Start by checking your own reactions. To reduce the physical stress response, breathe deeply into your abdomen and relax your muscles as you listen to what your partner has to say. Accepting criticism is like receiving a gift that you don’t need. There’s no need to take offence. Just don’t catch the negativity being offered. If you react to criticism, you have basically engaged with it. And if you react critically, you have lobbed it back. Ever heard the expression ‘someone is going to lose an eye’? Once we are playing the blame-game, we have already lost perspective.

    Non-Violent Communication


    One way of changing your response to criticism is to indicate you have heard what the person has said and you need time to consider it. This way, you keep some distance between yourself and the remark. The idea comes from Non-Violent Communication or NVC, an approach developed in the 1960s that involves awareness, expressing feelings and asking for what you need. I recommend the above book ‘Non-Violent Communication: Practical Skills to Connect and Communicate Skilfully in Every Situation‘ that describes this approach in detail. With practice, anyone can improve their communication but it’s important to be assertive and have boundaries. If you are in a situation of physical danger or abuse, don’t stick around. Get out and get help.

    There are a few simple things you can start doing now to change the existing patterns of your relationship. If this interests you, read on!

    Call or email me now for an appointment

    A repeated scenario I have witnessed in relationships is one partner putting aside their own needs to try to meet the needs of the other. Which of course doesn’t work too well. It usually ends up with the self-sacrificing partner feeling resentful when their own needs aren’t met. But we can’t neglect our own needs!

    Does this sound familiar to you?

    The situation generally worsens when both partners suppress their feelings and ignore their own needs to try to make each other happy. Both can end up feeling trapped and not knowing what to do. At the same time, the solution isn’t just about looking after one’s own needs. When in a relationship, we have to find a way to be with the other person. We have to be aware of our own emotions and look after our own needs but remain conscious and sensitive to the other person’s feelings and needs as well. It’s not easy, but when both people are generous with each other, it tends to expand the sense of the relationship. If both partners are tight and mean towards each other, everything tends to get worse and worse.

    From Blame-Game to Generosity

    If you’ve ever found yourself ‘playing the Blame Game’ with someone, you will know the story. We can get caught in a cycle of blaming the other person or blaming ourselves for a silly mistake or the unpleasant emotions we are experiencing. Non-Violent Communication offers a way forward through taking responsibility for – and expressing – our emotions while empathetically listening to the other person’s feelings and needs. Partners can’t always meet our needs. We sometimes have find ways to meet them ourselves but still communicate them to our partners.

    Finally, there is always the possibility your partner may be right, even if the way they are saying something is not ideal. Working out what to take on board isn’t always easy. I offer confidential appointments in English in Stockholm, online counselling over Skype and through email. Fill out my contact form to make a start on improving communication. To break the ‘blame game’ pattern in your relationship, contact me today through www.ForwardTherapy.se or call me on 08 559 22 636.

  • Therapy for a Broken Heart, Separation or Relationship Breakdown

    Therapy for a Broken Heart, Separation or Relationship Breakdown

    How do you overcome a relationship breakup?

    Dealing with heartache. Coping with rejection. Recovering after splitting up. These are subjects about which I am regularly consulted as an English speaking therapist in Stockholm. And I wish there was a simple solution that worked for everyone. The good news is that most people find it helps to talk over matters of the heart. It’s even better when the person you are talking to really listens and asks some questions or offers some perspectives you hadn’t thought about before.

    Whether you have left a long term relationship or are struggling after a series of short romances that went bad, sharing the hurt and making sense of it can be part of getting your life back together.

    More information about separation counselling in Stockholm or online

    The Shock and Pain of Separation

    How long does it take to heal from a separation?

    There are no rules about the time it takes to recover from splitting up. In these situations it can help to throw out expectations about what is normal. Maybe you are dealing with loneliness or emotional pain and looking for coping strategies. And it can help to have some of these if you want to keep working, you have children to care for or you are just trying to hold your life together! But my experience is that coping techniques work best when they are adapted for each person. If they were the same for everyone, it would be easier to read a self-help book than see a relationship therapist.

    “Ja visst gör det ont när knoppar brister”  Karin Boye, Swedish poet

    A Coffee and a Chat, A Walking Companion or Making a Game Plan

    Private counselling is an opportunity to speak in confidentiality about things that you might not be ready to tell anyone else.

    The same approach to counselling or therapy doesn’t work for everyone. All kinds of people come to see me to discuss their relationship breakdowns – engineers, creatives, lawyers, psychologists, business people, researchers, teachers, athletes – and they are at all different places in terms of separating from their partners. Some people want advice about dating, some ask for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). Some are fine to talk (and sometimes cry) over a cup of tea or coffee. Others want to make a game plan about their recovery and I have a whiteboard in my room we can use for that purpose (you can even take a photo of it at the end of the session). And if you don’t feel like sitting still, you don’t have to; we can take a walk together and talk in the fresh air. I also work over webcam, so we can meet in Stockholm or online from wherever you are in Sweden or elsewhere in the world. My approach to talk therapy is flexible and responsive to the circumstances you bring to the consultation and your personal preference for the appointment.

    Don’t let doubt or indecision stop you considering your options or getting your life back. Contact me now for more information about my fees and services.

    Dealing with fears, feelings and emotions can be a collaborative process. Regardless of whether you have just separated from your sambo, are going through a divorce with your husband or wife, just adjusting to being on your own or ready to start dating again, conversations are therapeutic. Narrative Therapy offers an approach to talking about relationships that is quite unlike other therapy. People tell me that their friends always have advice but it is another thing altogether to confide in a therapist or work together to start feeling better.

    If you are unsure, you are welcome to write to me using this email form, and ask me any questions. You can also call and leave a message on 08-559 22 636 if you would prefer to speak in person (let me know the best times to return your call). I look forward to hearing from you.

  • Counselling for LGBT People in Stockholm: 5 Reasons to Choose a Gay Therapist

    Counselling for LGBT People in Stockholm: 5 Reasons to Choose a Gay Therapist

    When expats move to their new country, it can be an opportunity to make a new start. Sweden, with its relatively inclusive attitudes to lesbians and gay men, would seem like a natural choice for gay expats hoping to live their identity more openly. But coming out is often more of an ongoing process than a point in time.

    LGBT expats in Sweden experience the same difficulties as other immigrants with adjusting to Swedish culture, climate and maintaining relationships. But some aspects of the transition to Nordic life are often unexpected. It’s been suggested that the ‘Law of Jante‘ has Swedes downplaying differences in favour of viewing everyone as equals. And living in a city such as Stockholm where being gay or lesbian is generally not regarded as anything unusual might also mean that it is less likely previous difficult experiences will be acknowledged. One way of getting recognition of what you have endured is to speak to a counselling therapist who is understanding and supportive of gay identity.

    Coming Out

    Coming out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender is often discussed as if it were an event. But it is more likely to be a series of events or an ongoing process that continues through life. Some would say we never stop coming out. Even in Sweden, we have a society where the heterosexuality is still the considered the norm and the assumption that a person is straight often goes unquestioned. This assumption is part of what has been called ‘Heteronormativity’, a way of thinking that also suggests people fall into distinct genders (man and woman) associated with specific gender roles. The reality of life is, of course, quite different. Humans are as diverse as other species so biologically, sexually, gender-wise and in terms of identity, there can be much individual variation.

    Making the decision to share your identity with others is a personal choice and needs to be treated as such. At the same time, the relief that comes with inviting others into your life can reduce anxiety and free up creativity. Talking about who you are and having an audience for your experiences is personally validating. Being able to be yourself around others is one of the rewarding aspects of living in Sweden that might be less possible in certain other places in the world.

    Coming Out Later in Life / Gay and Married

    For people who are older, coming out can be particularly challenging. I have spoken with many men who have decided, after years of marriage to a woman or having raised children in a traditional family, to explore other aspects of their sexuality and identity. Starting to identify as gay, bisexual or trans in your 40s, 50s or later can seem like entering a new world and an unknown world at that. If you are in this situation, it can be important to remember that you already know a lot about life even if the ‘world’ you are entering seems to have its own set of rules or conventions. Coming out after a straight relationship or later in life is a journey in itself. It can be helpful to have a gay counsellor to assist you to navigate the way forward.

    Gay Relationship issues

    Many of the individuals who consult with me at my practice at Hornstull or online are going through couples counselling, recently ended a relationship or are dealing with the aftermath of a break-up. It’s quite usual to have a difficult time when a relationship ends, and upset feelings can continue, especially when the end was unexpected or if you had been with your partner for a long time. If you are gay, lesbian or transgender, it can be therapeutic to talk about the feelings and to find a way forward with the help of a professional.

    For gay people, finding a partner in a ‘heteronormative’ world is not always easy. Gay Internet dating has become one of the most common ways to look for and find love but some argue that it has turned people into commodities that are marketed. Not everyone finds it easy to ‘sell’ themselves to others over the net. In Stockholm there are a few gay venues, social groups and sports organisations. And many people meet their partners through work or friendship networks. Taking the first step or returning to dating after a break might involve some effort and motivation, not to mention support.

    Family Relationships

    Lesbian and gay expats in Stockholm and elsewhere in Sweden, even those who have settled into life here, sometimes have unresolved family issues that may or may not be related to their sexuality. In terms of sexuality, it can help to know as much as possible about being gay and gay life in case the time comes when questions are asked. Family members can take time to adjust to a new understanding about their loved ones and people tend to learn acceptance at their own pace anyway. For those who are struggling with particular relatives, geographic distance can be both a blessing as well as a barrier to resolution. Having the ‘sounding board’ of a gay therapist might make a difference when exploring options.

    Dealing with Workplace Homophobia

    I’ve just attended the Nordic LGBT Business Leadership Forum, an event organised in Stockholm by IBM to promote discussion about how organisations can maximise the power of diversity in the workplace and translate it to success in the market. Companies based in Sweden are generally much more inclusive of transgender, lesbian and gay employees than in other countries but that doesn’t mean homophobia and transphobia in the workplace does not exist here. Workplace equality and inclusion also means being able to talk freely about what you did on your weekends (if you choose to). Dealing with workplace harassment or simply feeling at ease with your colleagues can be dependent on a number of factors and it is important not to blame yourself if you feel uncomfortable. If your job is stressing you out, make an appointment to talk about it and get it off your chest so that you can work out what to do.

    Finally, it is common for people to wait to come to see me until the point comes that they feel really bad about things. My advice is to act now instead of waiting. Often when you start discussing problems with a therapist, difficulties do start resolving themselves.

    Counselling in English in Stockholm has advantages and gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people are always welcome at Forward Therapy Stockholm. Just contact me by email or leave a clear message on 08-559 22 636 if you are interested in meeting at my office, walking talk-therapy or online counselling.

  • Couples Counselling and Marriage Therapy in Stockholm

    Couples Counselling and Marriage Therapy in Stockholm

    Looking to Find a Relationship Therapist Who Speaks English?

    As an English speaking therapist in Stockholm I meet regularly with couples who are struggling with aspects of their relationship.

    For expats, the stress of relocation and dealing with cultural and climatic differences does put pressure on relationships. Many who consult me have decided to live in Sweden because they have a Swedish partner. Others have arrived in the country with their girlfriend or boyfriend (or husband or wife) to take up a position in multinational company. And some people have arrived in Sweden on their own and met a special Swede (or someone else) in the meantime.

    Each of these circumstances brings its own challenges. Within relationships it is not uncommon for everyday pressures to compound and start affecting the way partners relate to each other. Language barriers are obviously a factor here and non-Swedes can be, by necessity, at least for the first year or two, quite dependant on those close to them to get through the bureaucracy and procedures associated with employment, banking, tax affairs and residency requirements (just to name a few!). There is also the question of how to start establishing social connections. As expats, we are not only getting to grips with Swedish culture and language but developing a new identity and sense of ourselves as individuals and as partners.

    What might get lost in all of this is the passion or tenderness of the relationship, sex or intimacy, the meaning of a marriage or the easiness of being with each other. Even living with each other as a ‘sambo’ can seem to get harder. The aspects of the partnership that were working previously might seem to have disappeared and even the memories of a shared past might seem very distant.

    How Can Couples Therapy Help a Relationship?

    There are a number of ways in which meeting with a relationship therapist can be helpful.

    Firstly, counselling and therapy appointments provide a space for couples to step outside of the usual positions they take with each other. At my counselling room I try to make these meetings as relaxed as possible and if you could see us talking it might look like we were just having a conversation. But actually, couples therapy and marriage counselling conversations are like building a new platform from which to consider the relationship. A separate place away from the chaos, crises and mess of what has been going on. These therapeutic conversations can be like coming up out of a canyon or ravine and taking a new position at a scenic look-out. I invite people to discuss where they would like to be with the relationship, what they want to let go of and what they want to hold onto in making these shifts. And we also discuss practical ways you might get to this better ‘place’ for real.

    Occasionally I am asked about what method or technique I use with couples. The truth is there isn’t one approach that works for everyone. If there was it would be in a single book that we could all read. But perhaps there are a lot of different formulas or approaches others have used and, once I get to know more about your shared situation, I am happy to talk about some of the ideas that couples have shared with me that have been helpful to them. I draw not only from my training, reading and years of experience working with relationships but also from the experiences and journeys that other couples have shared with me.

    Resolving a relationship difficulty or crisis in a marriage or other partnership starts with a simple commitment to sit down together in the presence of a third person, the therapist. This in itself is significant because it is an acknowledgement that both individuals are interested in changing the situation. Therapists are witnesses to many of the forces that keep people together: companionship, respect, admiration, shared hopes and passions, sex, intimacy, trust, a sense of parental duty and love of course. When we start talking about what has happened and each person’s hopes or expectations of the appointments, there are a number of things I have noticed start happening. These include acknowledgement, recognition, remembering, recovering, renegotiation, constructing strategies together, making new efforts and regaining balance. Counselling consultations can contain defining moments for couples and the process of therapy can be a rite of passage in itself.

    Therapy Together and Separately for Greater Understanding

    Occasionally I am asked to act as a kind of umpire or judge as to what is ‘okay’ or ‘not okay’ in the relationship. This isn’t a role I am prepared to play because it denies the couple their own decision making skills (I often say that if I had wanted to be a judge of others, I would have studied law instead of counselling and psychotherapy!). However I am prepared to help explore individual standpoints in relation to what has been going on and create opportunities where each person can be heard with respect. I generally find this approach leads to greater understanding for everyone.

    In the journey of settling into a new country and all the challenges presented by such a move, we often find ourselves facing personal tests that play into or disrupt our relationships, partnerships and marriages. For example, we might be reconnected with a vulnerability we have not experienced for years. Or revisited by a fear we thought we had already overcome. Most people can name at least one or two such ‘issues’ they have had to deal with at some stage in life. At this point I should say that I often find when the individuals in a couple start sorting out their own ‘stuff’ or ‘issues’ (so as to speak), the difficulties or ‘relationship problem’ tend to just disappear. This might be surprising given popular ideas that relationship counselling always needs to involve the couple seeing a therapist together. I’m not suggesting that the disappearance of the problem or difficulty happens in all situations where each partner attends individual sessions but it is definitely common. So if you are reading this blog post and both willing to try it, going separately to counselling or therapy might also be an option for you.

    When I work with individuals and couples, one of the ways in which I work is to help people establish their own connections so they have support outside of the relationship. This can take some of the pressure off the relationship as well as assist to develop or reinforce each person’s own skills, abilities and knowledge.

    Relationships change and evolve just like individuals. Changes happen when people move in together, when they are expecting a child or become parents, when someone starts a new job or a business, as we age and simply over the course of time. Meeting with a therapist is a chance to let go of what might have been holding the relationship back as well as to hold onto and acknowledge what is still important to you both.

    I work with both straight and gay couples. Couples counselling is available face to face at Hornstull on Södermalm in Stockholm or over the net via Skype webcam. If you would like to give either a try and need more information about my fees and availability, please contact me here or call 08-559 22 636 and leave a message.

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