How to Recover Your Life After Separation or Divorce

hopeful woman

When a partner announces suddenly that they want to end the relationship, the heartbreak is not always immediate. Often it is preceded by shock and decisions around what to do next: how to deal with being alone, returning to dating and getting on with life as a single person.

For an English-speaking person who is separating from a Swedish partner or from another expat or non-Swede, becoming single in Sweden is life-changing and can be traumatic. Often there are children involved and almost always there are decisions about finding accommodation to be made (we all know how hard it is to find rental apartments in Stockholm!).

According to the Swedish government bureau Statistics Sweden, about half of Swedish marriages end in separation. Sweden has one of the highest rates of divorce in the world. Whether married or not, leaving a relationship can be one of the most stressful and devastating life experiences to endure. The emotional consequences can include feelings of hurt, loneliness, regret, powerlessness and anger. These are all commonplace. For some, separation is sudden and final, but many couples have months of instability before they decide to go their own ways. Whatever the circumstances, breakups can be tough and painful.

Dealing with a Breakup

Some people deal with a breakup by going straight out to look for another partner. Others withdraw from friends and family and keep to themselves. There is no standard formula for recovering from separation but whatever you decide to do, it is important to look after yourself both physically and emotionally during this stressful time. Sufficient sleep, adequate nutrition, exercise and a balance of work, rest and play can all make a difference to your recovery (I covered these in detail in my last post, ‘5 Ways to Deal with Stress’). Isolating yourself and withdrawing from other people is usually not so helpful. And throwing yourself into too much partying or use of alcohol may not be either. The first often leads to more depressed mood and the latter to debilitating hangovers or embarrassing regrets!

If you are coming out of a long-term relationship, a separation or a divorce, you might find yourself ‘adrift’, with a sense of feeling lost or not knowing which direction to take. This is quite normal when experiencing such a major life upheaval. Those who have been through similar experiences advise that you should be kind to yourself and give yourself time to work out what is important to you again. And if you are considering returning to dating, remember that it might take some time to get used to doing that as well, if you are ‘out of practice’.

Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help

Talking about feelings and emotions is one of the best ways to manage stress and overcome heartbreak. Many of my clients fear their friends will tire of listening and have sought out counselling for an impartial perspective. Most counsellors are used to talking with people about separation and marriage breakdown. It can sometimes feel a little uncomfortable discussing your personal life with a stranger, but keep in mind that this is part of the counsellor’s job. I am paid to listen, help you explore your feelings and assist you with strategies and to find the best ways forward or adjust to a new life in Sweden. Whatever you decide, don’t be afraid to ask for help. I work with adults of all ages and nationalities, people who have been in LGBT or same sex relationships as well as those leaving heterosexual relationships.

If you’re struggling with separation or relationship issues and want to get your life back on track, you are welcome to contact me right now. You can come to see me on Södermalm in central Stockholm and we can have an initial chat over a cup of coffee or tea in my consulting room. I usually have appointments available within a couple of weeks. If you are outside Stockholm you can make a webcam therapy consultation. Webcam is convenient and private because you don’t need to travel. In any case, consider your options. People often tell me that they started to feel better as soon as they made their first appointment.

Contact Ash Rehn through email now

Life Coaching in English to Turn Your (Swedish) Life Around

motivation and life coaching in Sweden 2013

Not adjusting to life in Sweden? Worried about your mental health? Can’t concentrate and think you have ADD or ADHD? Struggling with the winter? Don’t let the darkness, Snökaos (snow chaos) or winter blues drive you to depression. Whether you choose to do it in-person or by webcam, you might just need a few sessions of life coaching to get back on track.

Here’s how therapy and life coaching with an English speaking coach and counsellor might make a difference to life in Sweden.

Bollplank, Sounding Board or Reflective Surface

Talking with your partner sometimes is not enough. Sometimes we are just too close to someone to offer a different perspective and it can seem like a lot of pressure if a sambo, husband or wife is the only one to talk with. The Swedes have an expression ‘bollplank’ which in English is akin to ‘sounding board’, someone or something we can throw our thoughts against to test them out. (Literally it is a plank of wood for kicking footballs against). In my work I call it the Reflective Surface.

There are many ways to employ a reflective surface: some people keep a journal or diary, video blog, artwork, cooking, craft… In fact any activity that combines structure and imagination with a product can provide a means to reflect your identity and ideas back to you in a positive, affirming way that supports change. A conversation can also be a reflective surface. In my office I use a whiteboard which is a literal reflective surface and sometimes I use it to hold onto the expressions or words that come up in a session. But even without the whiteboard, meeting with a coach serves the same ends because you hear yourself saying things and the coach can hold onto your words and ask you about them. A life coach can help with:

  • Sharing what has been happening
  • Working out what is important
  • Making goals
  • Following through with intentions
  • Acknowledging and celebrating progress.

If everything seems to be going well for your partner but not for you, don’t take it out on your sambo. Make it you New Years Resolution to get your own ‘bollplank’ and let the relationship be what it should be.

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)

A lot of people approach me thinking they have ADHD because they can’t concentrate at home or work, or both. And there is a lot of discussion at the moment about ADHD, particularly in Sweden where there is a huge expectation that people are on time, focussed and ‘get with the program’. The norms of behaviour in Sweden are very influential. If you have seen preschoolers being marched around the city in pairs, you will get what I mean. This is a society where, to a large extent, cooperation and compliance are unspoken rules. I mention this because it is important to understand that cultural influence and social expectations can play a part in how we feel and how quickly we adjust.

But difficulty concentrating can also be a symptom of depression. When we feel low, unmotivated, frustrated or insignificant, it can be harder to stay on task. In a way this is our instinct or animal side at work, trying to get our bodies moving again. Movement and exercise to treat Depression has been recommended.

Here are some other signs and symptoms that you might not be alright:

  • You are spending all day inside and not going out at all
  • Mood swings or constant irritability
  • Feeling like a zombie or not feeling anything at all
  • Eating constantly and more than you need to (or a loss of appetite)
  • Drinking alcohol everyday or most days on your own
  • Not engaging with friends
  • Ruminating thoughts, ‘overthinking’ and dwelling on failure
  • Less attention to self care or neglecting basic hygiene (not showering, brushing teeth or changing clothes)

The good news is that you don’t necessarily need a psychologist or to go on medication simply because some of these are present. The benefit of working with me is you can tell your friends / family / sambo that you are seeing a coach for adjusting to life in Sweden. You can even meet me online, over webcam or for instant message counselling if you don’t want to take on the snökaos or you are living in Uppsala, Västerås, Nyköping or otherwise on the outskirts of Stockholm. Likewise if you are in Malmö, Gothenburg or Umeå or somewhere more remote, online coaching means you save the travelling time and can get help from the warmth and comfort of your own home.

Of course, if you are at any serious risk or your health is deteriorating quickly, you should not hesitate to consult a GP.

From Therapy for Depression or Adjustment to Coaching for Life Goals

When life seems to be stuck or falling apart, it can help to talk it over, make a plan and have someone to engage with and help you to monitor progress. A lot of people start to meet with me for therapy around a particular issue and end up feeling better to the point that our sessions become more about coaching and moving forward. Recently I have been speaking with people about:

If you have found me through ForwardTherapy.se price and cost of coaching might not be your main concern. You are probably more interested in finding a professional who understands what you are going through and offers the advantage of sessions in English. But just send me an email (preferred) or call and leave a message for a callback if you would like more information about my fees and payment options.

Engelsktalande Samtalsterapeut (English Speaking Counsellor): A Word For Spouses and Sambos

If you think your partner, wife or husband might benefit from coaching, kognitiv beteende terapi / cognitive behaviour therapy with an english speaking coach (kbt på engelska) or just a bollplank with someone other than yourself, feel free to send me an enquiry. I am used to working with people in relationships where one partner is struggling with culture or climate or relocation adjustment and there is some conflict in the relationship as a result. There is more information here på svenska.

Next year I will be relocating my office from Kungsholmen to Södermalm in Stockholm. But you can make a start now and put yourself on a better track for 2013. Start making your New Years Resolutions.

Write to me and I will send you full details of availability, fees and answer any questions you have. Please let me know if you prefer in-person (face to face in Stockholm) or online consultations.