What To Do When Your Husband, Wife or Partner Refuses to Go to Couples Counselling

Couple after a fight considering couples counselling, separation or divorce due to relationship problems
Individual therapy may be a better first option than couples counselling for relationships in crisis.

Relationship counselling starts too late for most couples and when one of the partners decides they need help, it’s not unusual for the spouse to be resistant. So what can you do if your partner won’t attend couples therapy?


People often delay relationship counselling out of embarrassment or to avoid cost. Some partners will refuse as part of the power-play that is occurring in the relationship. As an English-speaking couples counsellor working in Sweden I find that couples therapy isn’t always the answer to saving a marriage or other relationship. There are alternatives for dealing with conflict in relationships when couples counselling is not an option.

1. Find an English-Speaking Therapist and Access Your Own Support

If you are struggling with convincing your husband, wife, sambo, or särbo to see a couples therapist, there’s no doubt you can use support yourself. You see the signs that something is wrong in the relationship and feel unhappy. You are both arguing too often, sex is non-existent, or you discover your partner is ‘cheating’ on you (being unfaithful). You might be recognising the toxic signs of emotional abuse, criticism, manipulation or even gaslighting. And you might be exhausted from trying to make changes. Your anxiety is a sign there is something wrong. In this situation the best thing you can do for the relationship and for yourself is to seek your own counselling support.

Expats and others living in Sweden know we’re instructed to always put the life jacket and oxygen mask on ourselves first. Why then do we try to appease our partners or sacrifice our own needs in the hope that our partners see this and change? When change doesn’t happen it can leave us feeling hopeless and depressed. When you’re already struggling with Swedish culture shock, climate or work-issues your relationship or marriage needs to be a place of intimacy and comfort, not one of distress.

Looking after yourself through getting individual support from a counsellor isn’t ‘selfish’. You can’t help someone from a weak position. Being generous with yourself will refresh you and make it possible to either save the relationship or protect yourself if you need to leave. Being stingy with yourself and denying yourself the care you need is more likely to result in you feeling resentful or regretful in the future.

Book an Online Appointment with a Counselling Therapist

2. Encourage Your Partner to Book into Supportive Counselling

Often, by the time couples agree on counselling, there is already a lot of toxicity in the relationship. It’s hard to come back to a loving relationship when so much hurt is being felt by just one of the partners, let alone both. When one person is resistant to couples therapy, even if that person eventually agrees to attend, it can take some time before they relax enough to trust the therapist and fully participate in the process. You might have more success in encouraging your sambo or spouse to see an individual counsellor instead pressuring them to attend a couples session. Going to relationship counselling together can present too high a threshold for some couples.

The suggestion your partner attends individual counselling will be more reasonable if you already have your own therapist. If you don’t, your partner might assume you are blaming them instead of seeing it as a shared issue. Be the person you want your partner to be and role model the self-care you would like them to take. When both partners access their own support each individual becomes clearer about their own needs. A relationship counselling session will be more successful when and if both partners feel ready to attend.

Speak with a Therapist from the Comfort of your Home or Office

3. Can This Relationship Be Saved? Is Separation or Divorce Necessary?

Relationship counselling has just two fundamental purposes:

  • To support the relationship or marriage to grow or…
  • To help the relationship come to an end and assist the couple to separate.

It’s not the job of the couples therapist to take sides or be a referee and support one individual over the other. If you are hoping this will happen in a couples session, it might be better to find a therapist just for yourself! Likewise, if one of the partners wants to end the relationship and the other doesn’t, couples counselling serves little purpose apart from providing the therapist with an income. In this situation, the relationship needs to end. Give yourself the support you need to transition into independence after separation or divorce.

If there is violence in the relationship, and especially if children are witnessing violence, there is no question: you and your partner must separate, at least temporarily. If it is your partner who is committing the violence and they won’t leave, contact the police but get out of harm’s way yourself in any case. No argument is worth risking your safety over.

A couple came to see me in Stockholm asking me to teach them how to ‘fight’ better. I told them it was not something I offered. If they wanted to remain together, I told them I could help them learn to listen to each other and also to be more assertive. There are never two ‘winners’ in a fight and more often it ends in both sides losing. Approaches like the Gottman Method or Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication can be used to train couples to approach each other differently. But these skills rarely work when all the goodwill has been eroded through fighting or toxic silences. This might be time to see a therapist about breaking up.

If you still feel love for your partner, and you know it is mutual, choosing an English speaking couples counsellor might offer a way back to intimacy and trust. But in any case, even if you are in doubt, don’t wait to get help. If you are experiencing unhappiness in your relationship, make an appointment with your own supportive counsellor or therapist today.

How to Recover Your Life After Separation or Divorce

hopeful woman

When a partner announces suddenly that they want to end the relationship, the heartbreak is not always immediate. Often it is preceded by shock and decisions around what to do next: how to deal with being alone, returning to dating and getting on with life as a single person.

For an English-speaking person who is separating from a Swedish partner or from another expat or non-Swede, becoming single in Sweden is life-changing and can be traumatic. Often there are children involved and almost always there are decisions about finding accommodation to be made (we all know how hard it is to find rental apartments in Stockholm!).

According to the Swedish government bureau Statistics Sweden, about half of Swedish marriages end in separation. Sweden has one of the highest rates of divorce in the world. Whether married or not, leaving a relationship can be one of the most stressful and devastating life experiences to endure. The emotional consequences can include feelings of hurt, loneliness, regret, powerlessness and anger. These are all commonplace. For some, separation is sudden and final, but many couples have months of instability before they decide to go their own ways. Whatever the circumstances, breakups can be tough and painful.

Dealing with a Breakup

Some people deal with a breakup by going straight out to look for another partner. Others withdraw from friends and family and keep to themselves. There is no standard formula for recovering from separation but whatever you decide to do, it is important to look after yourself both physically and emotionally during this stressful time. Sufficient sleep, adequate nutrition, exercise and a balance of work, rest and play can all make a difference to your recovery (I covered these in detail in my last post, ‘5 Ways to Deal with Stress’). Isolating yourself and withdrawing from other people is usually not so helpful. And throwing yourself into too much partying or use of alcohol may not be either. The first often leads to more depressed mood and the latter to debilitating hangovers or embarrassing regrets!

If you are coming out of a long-term relationship, a separation or a divorce, you might find yourself ‘adrift’, with a sense of feeling lost or not knowing which direction to take. This is quite normal when experiencing such a major life upheaval. Those who have been through similar experiences advise that you should be kind to yourself and give yourself time to work out what is important to you again. And if you are considering returning to dating, remember that it might take some time to get used to doing that as well, if you are ‘out of practice’.

Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help

Talking about feelings and emotions is one of the best ways to manage stress and overcome heartbreak. Many of my clients fear their friends will tire of listening and have sought out counselling for an impartial perspective. Most counsellors are used to talking with people about separation and marriage breakdown. It can sometimes feel a little uncomfortable discussing your personal life with a stranger, but keep in mind that this is part of the counsellor’s job. I am paid to listen, help you explore your feelings and assist you with strategies and to find the best ways forward or adjust to a new life in Sweden. Whatever you decide, don’t be afraid to ask for help. I work with adults of all ages and nationalities, people who have been in LGBT or same sex relationships as well as those leaving heterosexual relationships.

If you’re struggling with separation or relationship issues and want to get your life back on track, you are welcome to contact me right now. You can come to see me on Södermalm in central Stockholm and we can have an initial chat over a cup of coffee or tea in my consulting room. I usually have appointments available within a couple of weeks. If you are outside Stockholm you can make a webcam therapy consultation. Webcam is convenient and private because you don’t need to travel. In any case, consider your options. People often tell me that they started to feel better as soon as they made their first appointment.

Contact Ash Rehn through email now