How to Reduce Rumination and Stress by Doing More and Thinking Less

Man in Blue Hoody walking through a field
Taking a brisk walk in nature can help you let go of your worries

Ruminating. Catastrophising. Panicking. All describe the breakdown of logical reasoning that happens when we are in such a state of anxiety that our thinking is paralysed. So how is it possible to stop going over and over a source of worry? The answer isn’t more thinking, it’s more doing.

Why Can’t I Stop Thinking and Switch Off My Brain?

The coronavirus has most of the world on edge. It’s limiting our possibilities for movement and making our lives even less predictable challenging us to manage our mental health. And in the social distancing of these new conditions, some find themselves alone and obsessively thinking about the same things over and over, causing them to feel physically sick with worry or having a panic attack. My English speaking clients in this situation plead with me, How can I change my thoughts?

But the key lies not in changing thoughts but changing activities. When a person’s physical stress response is so high, the logical reasoning part of the brain fails and the survival part of the brain kicks in. This is the legacy of our evolution, an animal instinct to withdraw, like crawling back into a shell for protection. Unfortunately when humans withdraw they stop participating in activities that benefit them such as engaging with others and physical movement.

Those of us who have been conditioned by work that uses our brains in preference to our whole bodies try to think-through and problem-solve unpleasant feelings instead of addressing them directly through physical means. But the best way to lower the acute stress response is to get physical and use more of the whole body, not just that little part of the brain behind the forehead that is responsible for cognition (thinking, judging and problem solving).

Book a real time coaching or counselling session for support

How to Escape the Isolation Chamber of Rumination

Ruminating on a problem without the benefit of more information or a different perspective is akin to trying to make a decision from inside an isolation chamber: we have to get out and experience the world through the senses. The solution to rumination and catastrophising isn’t more thinking, it’s more doing. And specifically doing activities that engage the senses. Not only will doing something physical help you to relax, it will loosen up your thinking and help you gain perspective.

Exercise is the obvious first go-to. I don’t recommend high-intensity exercise for stress reduction because it can spike the sympathetic nervous system that is responsible for elevating the body’s stress response. But moderate intensity exercise such as brisk walking, light jogging, kicking a ball around, moderate swimming or dancing can help a person to get out of their head and into the body. These activities will help relax the muscles, releasing physical tension. Even in the middle of winter, many Swedes will go out and walk in the lightest part of the day because they know that moving the body and experiencing the world through different senses is key to lowering the stress response.

The other activities that work well for reducing the stress response are anything that involves hand and eye co-ordination or acts of companionship. Research has indicated that activities involving hand and eye coordination actually repair neural pathways. Sharing time with friends who are experiencing a lower stress response can actually reduce your own anxiety. So what does this look like in practical terms?

Strategies to Treat Acute Stress Response

I’m aware that those who have recently moved to Sweden or other foreign countries do not always have much living space or many friends. So hobbies like car restoration, carpentry or bee-keeping might not be possible. Here are some suggestions for activities that don’t require a lot of space or capital outlay and that you can do alone…

Creative activities that engage the hands and eyes will help you relax and also assist with anxiety and depression. For example: painting, drawing, photography, jewelry making, building things with lego or completing jigsaws, podcasting, making Youtube videos or creative writing. Hobbies like video-gaming, geocaching, collecting antiques, coins, toys or memorabilia, playing chess (even against a computer), learning to program, code or make apps, sewing, knitting, making clothes, cooking, genealogy, learning and playing a musical instrument or learning a language could also take your mind off your worries. If you only have your work or relationship to think about, is it any surprise that your mind has nowhere else to go?

Then there are relaxation treatments such as getting a massage, enjoying a floatation tank, playing with pets (your own or someone else’s), walking in nature, colouring-in books or watching comedy videos on a streaming service. Chilling out is a great way to lower stress response.

And thirdly the companionship of spending time with friends and reaching out to someone you love like a son or daughter or cousin or long-term friend, even if they are in another country, can lead you to feel better. Physically or virtually not being alone is beneficial and it’s amazing how showing interest in someone else can assist you to get out of your head. Try it!

Superman figurine standing in a broken half eggshell

Finally, if you are so stressed up that you are unable to exercise or get into a hobby or reach out to a friend or family member, consider consultating a doctor at the Vårdcentral about medication to assist in the first instance. Some people self-medicate with alcohol or recreational drugs but it is better to get professional support to assist you until you are able to take more steps on your own. Any form of medication is only a short-term fix and does not address the cause of anxiety. The use of prescription medication needs to be monitored by a medically qualified person.

If, after lowering your stress response, you still have a problem that needs to be solved, you can talk to a professional therapist who can guide you through problem-solving strategies.

To make an appointment for coaching, advice, support or therapy, please contact me.

How to Recover Your Life After Separation or Divorce

hopeful woman

When a partner announces suddenly that they want to end the relationship, the heartbreak is not always immediate. Often it is preceded by shock and decisions around what to do next: how to deal with being alone, returning to dating and getting on with life as a single person.

For an English-speaking person who is separating from a Swedish partner or from another expat or non-Swede, becoming single in Sweden is life-changing and can be traumatic. Often there are children involved and almost always there are decisions about finding accommodation to be made (we all know how hard it is to find rental apartments in Stockholm!).

According to the Swedish government bureau Statistics Sweden, about half of Swedish marriages end in separation. Sweden has one of the highest rates of divorce in the world. Whether married or not, leaving a relationship can be one of the most stressful and devastating life experiences to endure. The emotional consequences can include feelings of hurt, loneliness, regret, powerlessness and anger. These are all commonplace. For some, separation is sudden and final, but many couples have months of instability before they decide to go their own ways. Whatever the circumstances, breakups can be tough and painful.

Dealing with a Breakup

Some people deal with a breakup by going straight out to look for another partner. Others withdraw from friends and family and keep to themselves. There is no standard formula for recovering from separation but whatever you decide to do, it is important to look after yourself both physically and emotionally during this stressful time. Sufficient sleep, adequate nutrition, exercise and a balance of work, rest and play can all make a difference to your recovery (I covered these in detail in my last post, ‘5 Ways to Deal with Stress’). Isolating yourself and withdrawing from other people is usually not so helpful. And throwing yourself into too much partying or use of alcohol may not be either. The first often leads to more depressed mood and the latter to debilitating hangovers or embarrassing regrets!

If you are coming out of a long-term relationship, a separation or a divorce, you might find yourself ‘adrift’, with a sense of feeling lost or not knowing which direction to take. This is quite normal when experiencing such a major life upheaval. Those who have been through similar experiences advise that you should be kind to yourself and give yourself time to work out what is important to you again. And if you are considering returning to dating, remember that it might take some time to get used to doing that as well, if you are ‘out of practice’.

Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help

Talking about feelings and emotions is one of the best ways to manage stress and overcome heartbreak. Many of my clients fear their friends will tire of listening and have sought out counselling for an impartial perspective. Most counsellors are used to talking with people about separation and marriage breakdown. It can sometimes feel a little uncomfortable discussing your personal life with a stranger, but keep in mind that this is part of the counsellor’s job. I am paid to listen, help you explore your feelings and assist you with strategies and to find the best ways forward or adjust to a new life in Sweden. Whatever you decide, don’t be afraid to ask for help. I work with adults of all ages and nationalities, people who have been in LGBT or same sex relationships as well as those leaving heterosexual relationships.

If you’re struggling with separation or relationship issues and want to get your life back on track, you are welcome to contact me right now. You can come to see me on Södermalm in central Stockholm and we can have an initial chat over a cup of coffee or tea in my consulting room. I usually have appointments available within a couple of weeks. If you are outside Stockholm you can make a webcam therapy consultation. Webcam is convenient and private because you don’t need to travel. In any case, consider your options. People often tell me that they started to feel better as soon as they made their first appointment.

Contact Ash Rehn through email now

Therapy for a Broken Heart, Separation or Relationship Breakdown

woman looking over mountains

How do you overcome a relationship breakup?

Dealing with heartache. Coping with rejection. Recovering after splitting up. These are subjects about which I am regularly consulted as an English speaking therapist in Stockholm. And I wish there was a simple solution that worked for everyone. The good news is that most people find it helps to talk over matters of the heart. It’s even better when the person you are talking to really listens and asks some questions or offers some perspectives you hadn’t thought about before.

Whether you have left a long term relationship or are struggling after a series of short romances that went bad, sharing the hurt and making sense of it can be part of getting your life back together.

More information about separation counselling in Stockholm or online

The Shock and Pain of Separation

How long does it take to heal from a separation?

There are no rules about the time it takes to recover from splitting up. In these situations it can help to throw out expectations about what is normal. Maybe you are dealing with loneliness or emotional pain and looking for coping strategies. And it can help to have some of these if you want to keep working, you have children to care for or you are just trying to hold your life together! But my experience is that coping techniques work best when they are adapted for each person. If they were the same for everyone, it would be easier to read a self-help book than see a relationship therapist.

“Ja visst gör det ont när knoppar brister”  Karin Boye, Swedish poet

A Coffee and a Chat, A Walking Companion or Making a Game Plan

Private counselling is an opportunity to speak in confidentiality about things that you might not be ready to tell anyone else.

The same approach to counselling or therapy doesn’t work for everyone. All kinds of people come to see me to discuss their relationship breakdowns – engineers, creatives, lawyers, psychologists, business people, researchers, teachers, athletes – and they are at all different places in terms of separating from their partners. Some people want advice about dating, some ask for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). Some are fine to talk (and sometimes cry) over a cup of tea or coffee. Others want to make a game plan about their recovery and I have a whiteboard in my room we can use for that purpose (you can even take a photo of it at the end of the session). And if you don’t feel like sitting still, you don’t have to; we can take a walk together and talk in the fresh air. I also work over webcam, so we can meet in Stockholm or online from wherever you are in Sweden or elsewhere in the world. My approach to talk therapy is flexible and responsive to the circumstances you bring to the consultation and your personal preference for the appointment.

Don’t let doubt or indecision stop you considering your options or getting your life back. Contact me now for more information about my fees and services.

Dealing with fears, feelings and emotions can be a collaborative process. Regardless of whether you have just separated from your sambo, are going through a divorce with your husband or wife, just adjusting to being on your own or ready to start dating again, conversations are therapeutic. Narrative Therapy offers an approach to talking about relationships that is quite unlike other therapy. People tell me that their friends always have advice but it is another thing altogether to confide in a therapist or work together to start feeling better.

If you are unsure, you are welcome to write to me using this email form, and ask me any questions. You can also call and leave a message on 08-559 22 636 if you would prefer to speak in person (let me know the best times to return your call). I look forward to hearing from you.