English Speaking Therapist | Forward Therapy Stockholm

Tag: Sweden

Religious Abuse in Sweden: Recovering from Religion in a New Country
Religious abuse is the lasting psychological damage caused by growing up inside, or being drawn into, a controlling religious environment, cult, or high-demand doctrine. It can involve deep shame and guilt, despair, self-doubt, confusion over sexuality, and a fear of ever questioning what you were taught. For many people who relocate to Sweden, the experience of settling into a new country is exactly when this trauma resurfaces. This article looks at why moving abroad so often triggers old religious abuse wounds, what deconversion and recovering from religion can look like once you arrive, and how secular, evidence-based support can help.

Why Religious Abuse Resurfaces After a Move

Relocating asks you to rebuild almost everything at once: your home, your routine, your friendships, and often your sense of who you are. That process of rebuilding tends to strip away the noise that once kept old memories at bay. If you left a restrictive church, a family shaped by doctrine, or a group that asked more of you than it ever gave back, arriving somewhere new is frequently the point at which those experiences finally ask to be reconciled. Sweden did not cause this. It simply removed enough of the familiar scaffolding that what was underneath became visible.

Sweden’s Secular Paradox: Nature, Church, and the Space to Deconvert

Sweden is consistently ranked among the most secular nations in the world. Church attendance is low, and religious belief rarely comes up in daily conversation. Yet the Church of Sweden remains stitched into the culture in ways that surprise many newcomers. Plenty of Swedes who would never describe themselves as religious still marry beneath its ceilings, if they marry at all, and festivals like Midsummer and Lucia carry a churchly shape even where the belief behind them has largely gone. This is the paradox worth understanding: a high cultural footprint paired with low religious authority.

Some people here will tell you, half-serious, that the real religion of the Swedes is nature: the forest, the archipelago, the long light of a northern summer, treated with something close to reverence. For someone working through the effects of religious conditioning, this landscape can be clarifying. It offers meaning without obedience and belonging without conformity. For anyone who has gone through a deconversion, or who was indoctrinated into a religion or cult in their country of birth, that combination can be the start of something genuinely new.

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Recognising Religious Abuse: Signs You Might Not Have Named Yet

Religious abuse rarely announces itself directly. More often it shows up as a cluster of familiar, exhausting patterns that can be hard to trace back to their source. Common signs include:
- Struggling with stress at work, even if the work is not challenging
- Deep shame and guilt that persist even when you no longer hold the beliefs that created them
- Despair or hopelessness, particularly around questions of identity, purpose, or belonging
- Self-doubt and confusion about what you actually believe or want, separate from what you were taught
- People-pleasing and fawning, an automatic instinct to defer to others or avoid conflict at any cost
- Isolation, especially from an emotionally unavailable partner, family or former community members who remain inside the belief system
- A loss of identity, or the sense that you never had the chance to find out who you are outside the doctrine
- A fear of questioning authority, or of even privately doubting ideas you once accepted without challenge
- Confusion over sexuality, particularly where a religious upbringing framed desire, gender, or intimacy in narrow or shaming terms
Recognising these patterns as the legacy of spiritual abuse, rather than a personal failing, is often the first real step toward recovery.

Spiritual Abuse and Its Long Reach

Spiritual abuse describes the use of religious belief, authority or community to control, frighten or manipulate someone, often in ways that look ordinary from the outside. It can involve isolation from the wider world, strict rules around appearance, relationships or sexuality, and a culture that punishes doubt as though it were sin. Because it is dressed in the language of care and salvation, spiritual abuse can be difficult to name even years after leaving the community that caused it. Many people only recognise it in hindsight, once distance (geographic or otherwise) has given them room to see the pattern clearly.

Sometimes it appears in the resonance of an abusive partner, or controlling boss. Making the connection between religious abuse and what is going on now in your life can be crucial for moving forward.

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Recovering from Religious Abuse with Evidence-Based Support

Working with a secular therapist means the conversation is never steered toward faith, prayer or conversion of any kind. Instead, it is grounded in evidence, curiosity and respect for your own account of your life.

Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) is one of the more established approaches for recovering from religious trauma. It gives shape to the automatic thoughts that religious conditioning often leaves behind: the sense of being watched, the belief that certain feelings are shameful, the conviction that rest must be earned. CBT does not argue with your history. It helps you notice which of your present-day thoughts are genuinely yours, and which were handed to you a long time ago by someone else.

Narrative therapy sits alongside this well, particularly for anyone rebuilding an identity in a new country. It treats your life as a story you are entitled to deconstruct and retell, rather than a verdict handed down by an institution. This is especially useful around sexuality, where a religious upbringing often leaves people with a script written by someone else, one with little room for nuance and even less for difference. Reclaiming that story in your own words is frequently where the real relief begins.

Neurodiverse people sometimes find that religious environments were particularly ill-suited to how their minds work: rigid expectations, unspoken social rules, and little patience for a different way of processing the world. A well-being focussed, secular approach to counselling can make space for that difference instead of pathologising it.

Stockholm, Gothenburg, Malmö: Where to Begin

Whether you have settled in Stockholm, made a home in Gothenburg, or landed in Malmö within easy reach of the bridge to Denmark, rebuilding a life abroad tends to raise the same underlying questions. Who am I now that my former life is gone? What do I keep from where I came from, and what am I finally free to put down?

Online therapy makes this kind of reflective work easier to access, wherever you have landed. A session over MS Teams or Zoom fits around a new job, a partner adjusting to their own version of the move, or a schedule still finding its rhythm, without requiring travel across a city that may still feel unfamiliar. And if you are having difficulties with a partner who refuses to go to couples counselling, don’t worry: start with the seeing a therapist about the relationship you have with yourself. That will help you to find your strength again.

A Different Kind of Conversation

If any of this resonates, coaching, counselling and well-being support built around narrative therapy and evidence-based methods like CBT can offer real traction: not answers handed down in isolation with a ChatGPT bot, but a process of working things out for yourself, at your own pace, with someone who understands this territory.

Some clients prefer speaking with a male therapist, particularly when working through experiences shaped by religious authority where they did not have the choice. Others simply find it easier, in a new country, to talk with someone who understands the disorientation of being an outsider looking in. As an Australian-British man who has made his own share of moves across borders and cultures, I’m familiar with the challenges and frustrations of relocation and re-establishment. If that sounds like the kind of conversation you have been looking for, you are welcome to get in touch.
September 14, 2026
ChatGPT Isolation: Escaping the Trap of the Fake Therapist
In today’s hyperconnected world, working remotely or for yourself might seem like the pinnacle of freedom. You imagine autonomy, flexibility, and the luxury of working from anywhere. But when you’re an expat living in Sweden or another non-English speaking country, and your closest coworker is an Artificial Intelligence (AI) chatbot, the risks of isolation can go far deeper than most people realise. ChatGPT Isolation describes what can begin as a practical convenience but slowly becomes a trap of emotional reliance and disconnection from real human support.

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The Rise of ChatGPT Isolation and AI Companionship

For many freelancers, remote workers, and digital nomads, tools like ChatGPT, Claude, and other generative AI systems have become a silent coworker offering feedback, summaries, or just the comfort of a reply. In moments of professional uncertainty or relationship loneliness, it can feel soothing to type out a worry and get a reassuring message back.

Generative AI is a powerful tool for productivity. But there is a growing body of evidence that this interaction, while seemingly helpful, comes with psychological risks:
- MIT Media Lab researchers warn of “metacognitive laziness,” where users become less likely to think critically after prolonged AI reliance.
- ABC News Australia and The Times UK suggest AI may be eroding writing skills, attention spans, and working memory.
- A Wall Street Journal article and follow up in Futurism and VICE describe the case of Jacob Irwin, who developed psychosis after becoming convinced that ChatGPT was a conscious being. Irwin, who had a history of autism spectrum traits and possibly ADHD, began to experience delusions, hallucinations, and an altered sense of reality that led to hospitalisation.
As someone who works therapeutically with clients around the world, I’ve heard similar stories: individuals relying on AI tools as companions, using them to process emotions, or confiding in them as if they were therapists. These tools, no matter how articulate or responsive, cannot provide the co-regulation, reality-checking, or emotional nuance that a human can.

Generative AI is a fake therapist.

It’s important to acknowledge that for some neurodivergent individuals AI chatbots can feel like a safe and predictable interaction. People with autism, Aspergers, ADHD, or AuDHD in particular find ChatGPT helpful and supportive. These AI bots don’t require complex social navigation and can provide a sense of stability. For some, this is a lifeline. But it’s also a space that requires careful boundaries. AI can offer support, but it cannot replace real relational connection.

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The Dangerous Allure of a Digital Listener

What makes AI feel so comforting in these situations?
- It replies instantly
- It never judges
- It seems knowledgeable
- It mimics empathy
But here’s the catch: it’s not listening. It doesn’t really know you, can’t challenge your distortions, and may reinforce your assumptions. ChatGPT Isolation means more than just social disconnection. It can hallucinate facts, offer incorrect advice, or perpetuate harmful ideas. And in the absence of real human interaction, it can deepen feelings of disconnection.

When you’re already working remotely, especially across time zones, in a foreign culture, or without regular social contact, AI can begin to fill the void. But it doesn’t actually close the gap.

ChatGPT Isolation in Sweden: The Hidden Struggles

Remote work in Sweden comes with its own particular set of challenges. Imagine living in a compact city apartment designed for warmth and cost-efficiency, but with little room to psychologically separate your work from your private life. Now add a Swedish winter: long, dark, and often silent. The stillness that initially feels peaceful can, over time, become isolating.

Many expats arrive in Sweden to be with a partner, pursue a degree, or chase a change in lifestyle. They continue working remotely for organisations based in London, New York, Berlin, or Sydney, sometimes across vastly different time zones. This means late-night meetings, irregular sleep, and missing out on everyday social rhythms of local life. They may feel cut off from both their adopted home and their colleagues abroad.

Language and cultural barriers only add to the sense of distance. Casual socialising can be difficult. Colleagues and acquaintances may seem polite but reserved. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, stress begins to build. You start sleeping poorly. You feel unnoticed. Your sense of purpose gets hazy. And in the quiet hours, you might begin to confide more in a chatbot than a real person.

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The Illusion of Freedom

From the outside, remote work and self-employment seem liberating in comparison to the stress of a Swedish workplace. But many find there’s no “off switch”. Your living space becomes your workplace. You’re your own harshest boss. And relationships strain under the weight of unspoken needs.

Even in urban hubs like Stockholm, Malmö, and Gothenburg, you can go weeks without a real conversation beyond a Slack message or chatbot reply. And if you’re living in towns like Umeå, Kiruna, Borås, Örebro, Lund or other places known more for their calm than their community, those feelings can grow even more intense.

If you’re struggling emotionally, it can be hard to know where to turn. Many English-speaking expats don’t feel comfortable navigating the Swedish healthcare system, or find it difficult to get timely appointments with a GP or therapist. In summer, much of the country slows down entirely. You might find yourself feeling lost just when you need support the most.

Real Human Help Beats ChatGPT Isolation

As an English-speaking therapist and coach who works online across Sweden and internationally, I help remote workers and expats:
- Talk through isolation and its ripple effects
- Make sense of the “AI companionship” trend and how to relate to ChatGPT Isolation more mindfully
- Navigate relationships that are affected by long-distance dynamics or different cultural contexts
- Deal with emotionally distant partners including gaslighting and coercive control
- Build routines that affirm identity, rhythm, and purpose
- Reconnect with what’s real and sustaining in life
I offer after-hours counselling and coaching in English from the convenience of your own home or office.

Let’s Take the First Step Towards Ending ChatGPT Isolation

If you’re feeling emotionally over-reliant on AI, disconnected from those around you, or unsure how to build a more grounded life in Sweden or wherever you’re living. Don’t wait until you crash.

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You deserve better than silence, burnout, or artificial empathy.

Reach out now to book a session. I offer regular check-ins, supportive therapy, and collaborative strategy work to help you reconnect with yourself and others.

You don’t have to do this alone. Let’s talk.
July 24, 2025
How to Expose Covert Abuse, Coercive Control and Gaslighting
The red-flags for covert abuse, coercive control and gaslighting in a toxic relationship usually take time to notice. We enter into coupledom in a state of vulnerability, with an open heart, and assuming our partner has the best intentions. When things go wrong, we might blame ourselves or start thinking we are unwell. Then we notice the warning signs in the form of patterns of dominating conduct. Becoming aware of manipulation and controlling behaviour in intimate relationships is the first step in managing and ultimately refusing it. Recovering and healing from the psychological harm inflicted by an abusive ex-partner can be better helped by counselling and other professional support.

Manipulation through Deception and Abuse Erodes Self-Worth

As an online therapist for English-speaking expats in Sweden and around the world, I work with many individuals struggling with coercive control and gaslighting. Sometimes clients contact me for couples therapy when they are actually looking for a referee or help in escaping the relationship. Often, in their initial emails, my counselling clients outline problematic behaviour by their spouse, sambo or lover that is clearly inconsistent with the signs of a healthy relationship. I’m referring here to the trust, respectful communication, mutual support, shared decision making and commitment to each other’s growth. Most of us are seeking those when we start sharing a life with someone.

Examples of controlling behaviour in relationships are abundant. Gaslighting, for example, is a specific type of manipulation that leads a person to self-doubt. It could be via outright deception or ‘crazy-making’ (pathologising). I often hear stories from people who arrive in Sweden from to start a new life only to find themselves pseudo-diagnosed by their partner as depressed, anxious, ‘bipolar’, obsessive compulsive disorder, or ‘ADHD’ or as suffering from borderline personality disorder. The effect on my English speaking clients is to undermine their sense of self and distort their reality. They feel sick, wrong or broken. Covert abuse, consistent coercive control and gaslighting can make a person mentally ill.

Self-Worth and the Adjustment to Swedish Culture

In other cases the controlling behaviour is more subtle. It might include prioritising friends or family over a partner, consistently making unilateral decisions or demanding particular outcomes without any offers or negotiation (also known as ‘my way or the highway’). Some clients are repeatedly infantilised. Their partners are not prepared to accommodate the time it might take a new immigrant to adjust to Swedish culture. In some cases my clients are being ‘abandoned with care’: made important but worthless at the same time through the provision of limited financial support but a disregard for emotional needs. These are all situations that result in an erosion of self-worth.

What to do when your partner refuses to attend couples counselling

More obvious abusive relationships involve the denial of autonomy, or monitoring and surveillance of activity. Name-calling, mockery, put downs and other forms of bullying are further examples. Threatening harm to pets, or children, or even violence to the person themselves might be accompanied by a suggestion that the victim would somehow be responsible for the abuser’s behaviour. These are clear signs of abuse that will have a person living in fear. The turning point for my talk therapy clients in Sweden is often the realisation that they can choose not to live in fear and that everyone has a right to an intimate relationship free of dread, coercive control and gaslighting, even when socially isolated in an unfamiliar country.

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Vulnerability to Coercive Control and Gaslighting for Expats in Sweden

Abusive and controlling behaviour in expat relationships arises in combination with a number of factors. Moving to a new country can be stressful and the person immigrating often leans into their partner for more support in the initial months and years. There are sometimes massive Swedish cultural differences not always apparent when first arriving. Language and communication difficulties can erode a person’s confidence and lead to further reliance on the native partner. Social isolation and financial dependence can play a part in ceding to a domineering spouse or lover. When one partner starts disregarding or disrespecting the other, it often leads to loneliness within the relationship.

But these instances don’t explain every situation. What about so called Third Culture Kids (TCKs), adults who spend a good deal of their childhood moving countries with their parents? I assist many TCKs via webcam therapy sessions from Sweden other countries. They also often report symptoms of toxic relationships despite often being adept at adjusting to new countries and cultures and having advanced language skills. So what might be happening for TCKs?

The acceptance and tolerance of controlling behaviour often relates back to past relationships. It can evolve due to or childhood experiences or religious trauma. Often my clients realise they have a pattern of abusive relationships that defy transnational migration and transcultural relocation. Interpersonal conflicts re-emerge. The emotional support yearned for is distinctly absent. The awakening to a relationship as controlling is a shock. But moving to a new country represents a new start, a way of leaving a difficult or shameful past behind. Unfortunately it can also mean a replication of the enmeshment or co-dependence that occurred in the family of origin or church along with similar abandonment, isolation, loneliness, and neglect.

Toxic Relationships: A Pattern from Childhood and Family

We are usually drawn to people who offer the promise of a missing experience, something we seek in childhood but never receive. Yet the person who attracts us can also be somewhat familiar. Ever heard the expression ‘They married their mother / father’? For those with backgrounds of neglect, abuse or abandonment, where a parent is distant, absent, critical or authoritarian, it can be easy to slip into yet another unsatisfactory and abusive relationship. But if you start to recognise a pattern in your relationships, that they are abusive or mirror somewhat the relationship you had with a parent, it’s important not to give yourself a hard time. Now you can use self-compassion.

Some clients report a kind of low mood that persists since childhood. They manage go about their lives, appearing somewhat functional, but never feel particularly happy for long. The trauma therapist and Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW) Patrick Teahan refers to this as Refrigerator Buzz Depression. You live with it for so long that it becomes background noise. Processing childhood trauma, and awakening to how bad it is, are integral to recovery but can initially inflame mood disturbances. At the same time, changing one’s life by moving to a new country like Sweden can also bring the realisation that you no longer have to put up with the sadness you have lived with for so long.

Treatment, Healing and Recovery from Coercive Control and Gaslighting in Relationships

Finding your way out of a controlling relationship involves awareness, accessing support and taking practical action. But it also means trusting yourself. We evolve with emotions for good reason. Noticing your anger, shame, fear or sadness is part of realising that something is wrong. Developing a kinder and less critical relationship with yourself can be the key to accessing a way out.

The isolation of being in a foreign country like Sweden can cause confusion. If you are struggling to understand how to cope in your relationship, an individual consultation might be better help than couples counselling. For a relationship beyond repair, couples therapy can only involve supporting the relationship to end. An individual session might reveal you have been over-tolerating bad behaviour. You could be in a state of self-blame or toxic shame. You may find it difficult to navigate relationships and deal with coercive control and gaslighting. Getting good with yourself through the encouragement of an English speaking therapist can assist you to manage emotions and develop a course of action. If you are in danger, go to the police.

Therapy for Managing Controlling Relationships

Therapy for those experiencing manipulation by their intimate partners can involve:
- Stress management techniques;
- Problem solving around boundaries, risk and managing safety;
- Psychoeducation to understand the signs of coercive control and gaslighting and other forms of covert abuse;
- Strategies for de-escalating, responding to and eliminating abusive behaviour;
- Development of a plan around financial independence and social and emotional support;
- Grief counselling, particularly around the sense of betrayal and emotions that accompany separation.
Good talk therapy is not simply about venting or offloading your feelings. Being able to talk and be heard are important but an experienced therapist will not only listen, they will assist you to develop your self-agency or your capacity to change your circumstances. They will encourage and support you to take action and reach a turning point. This might involve practising self-compassion, assertiveness or prioritising new habits over fast gratification. In any case, a willingness to take new steps is part of recovery. Even the best psychologist in Stockholm will not be influential if you are not willing to do something yourself about the situation.

Identifying, dealing with and recovering from a relationship involving coercive control and gaslighting can take time. This is particularly true for those who find themselves isolated in toxic partnerships that resonate with abusive childhood experiences. In the beginning, it can feel overwhelming. But with the right support, it is possible to change your circumstances and recover both a sense of safety and a nurturing relationship with yourself.

Make an appointment now for therapy online with Ash Rehn
October 16, 2023
How to Reduce Rumination and Stress by Doing More and Thinking Less

Ruminating. Catastrophising. Panicking. All describe the breakdown of logical reasoning that happens when we are in such a state of anxiety that our thinking is paralysed. So how is it possible to stop going over and over a source of worry? The answer to reduce rumination isn’t more thinking, it’s more doing.

Why Can’t I Stop Thinking and Switch Off My Brain?

The coronavirus has most of the world on edge. It’s limiting our possibilities for movement and making our lives even less predictable challenging us to manage our mental health. And in the social distancing of these new conditions, some find themselves alone and obsessively thinking about the same things over and over, causing them to feel physically sick with worry or having a panic attack. My English speaking clients in this situation plead with me, How can I change my thoughts?

But the key lies not in changing thoughts but changing activities. When a person’s physical stress response is so high, the logical reasoning part of the brain fails and the survival part of the brain kicks in. This is the legacy of our evolution, an animal instinct to withdraw, like crawling back into a shell for protection. Unfortunately when humans withdraw they stop participating in activities that benefit them such as engaging with others and physical movement.

Those of us who have been conditioned by work that uses our brains in preference to our whole bodies try to think-through and problem-solve unpleasant feelings instead of addressing them directly through physical means. But the best way to lower the acute stress response is to get physical and use more of the whole body, not just that little part of the brain behind the forehead that is responsible for cognition (thinking, judging and problem solving).

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How to Escape the Isolation Chamber and Reduce Rumination

Ruminating on a problem without the benefit of more information or a different perspective is akin to trying to make a decision from inside an isolation chamber: we have to get out and experience the world through the senses. The way to reduce rumination and ‘catastrophising’ isn’t more thinking, it’s more doing. And specifically doing activities that engage the senses. Not only will doing something physical help you to relax, it will loosen up your thinking and help you gain perspective.

Exercise is the obvious first go-to. I don’t recommend high-intensity exercise for stress reduction because it can spike the sympathetic nervous system that is responsible for elevating the body’s stress response. But moderate intensity exercise such as brisk walking, light jogging, kicking a ball around, moderate swimming or dancing can help a person to get out of their head and into the body. These activities will help relax the muscles, releasing physical tension. Even in the middle of winter, many Swedes will go out and walk in the brightest part of the day because they know that moving the body and experiencing the world through different senses is key to lowering the stress response.

The other activities that work well for reducing the stress response are anything that involves hand and eye co-ordination or acts of companionship. Research has indicated that activities involving hand and eye coordination actually repair neural pathways. Sharing time with friends who are experiencing a lower stress response can actually reduce your own anxiety. So what does this look like in practical terms?

Strategies to Treat Acute Stress Response

I’m aware that those who have recently moved to Sweden or other foreign countries do not always have much living space or many friends. So hobbies like car restoration, carpentry or bee-keeping might not be possible. Here are some suggestions for activities that don’t require a lot of space or capital outlay and that you can do alone…

The 5 Fundamentals of Stress Reductio n

Creative activities that engage the hands and eyes will help you relax and also assist with anxiety and depression. For example: painting, drawing, photography, jewelry making, building things with Lego or completing jigsaws, podcasting, making Youtube videos or creative writing. Hobbies like video-gaming, geocaching, collecting antiques, coins, toys or memorabilia, playing chess (even against a computer), learning to program, code or make apps, sewing, knitting, making clothes, cooking, genealogy, learning and playing a musical instrument or learning a language could also take your mind off your worries and reduce rumination. If you only have your work or relationship to think about, is it any surprise that your mind has nowhere else to go?

Then there are relaxation treatments such as getting a massage, enjoying a floatation tank, playing with pets (your own or someone else’s), walking in nature, colouring-in books or watching comedy videos on a streaming service. Chilling out is a great way to lower stress response.

And thirdly the companionship of spending time with friends and reaching out to someone you love like a son or daughter or cousin or long-term friend, even if they are in another country, can lead you to feel better. Physically or virtually not being alone is beneficial and it’s amazing how showing interest in someone else can assist you to get out of your head. Try it!

Finally, if you are so stressed up that you are unable to exercise or get into a hobby or reach out to a friend or family member, consider consultating a doctor at the Vårdcentral about medication to assist in the first instance. Some people self-medicate with alcohol or recreational drugs but it is better to get professional support to assist you until you are able to take more steps on your own. Any form of medication is only a short-term fix and does not address the cause of anxiety. The use of prescription medication needs to be monitored by a medically qualified person.

If, after lowering your stress response, you still need to reduce rumination, you can talk to a professional therapist who can guide you through problem-solving strategies.

To make an appointment for coaching, advice, support or therapy, please contact me.

October 23, 2020
Keep Your Head: Managing Mental Health During Coronavirus in Sweden
Mental Health has become a buzzword expression around the world since the COVID19 pandemic began. When regulations and public health advice keeps us socially distant, how can go about managing mental health during Coronavirus to keep it together?

The coronavirus COVID-19 is a source of stress for many English speakers in Sweden. While health authorities in the UK, Australia and San Francisco enact policies such as of ‘lock-down’, containment, quarantine and ‘shelter-in-place’, the Swedish government proceeds with a business-as-usual approach, emphasising personal freedom and relying on the Swedish culture of collective responsibility. Expats and other English speakers immigrants in Stockholm, Gothenburg and Malmo are understandably worried. When your adopted country follows a policy dramatically different to most others and at odds with many scientists it makes sense that you might feel vulnerable.

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If you are alone, confused and unsure what to do, the first thing is to focus on what is within your control and let go of what isn’t. That’s part of what I call ‘keeping your head’. Everybody has the capacity to lower their own stress response, although knowing this isn’t enough. We start by becoming aware of what is going on in the body and then act to change how we feel. That takes practice but it is your first step in managing mental health during Coronavirus.

Symptoms of Coronavirus Pandemic Stress

Both irritability and withdrawal from contact with others are common signs of acute stress and declining mental health. These parallel the ‘fight or flight’ response that has evolved to protect us. You might be experiencing one or the other or both. The usual symptoms of anxiety and depression – difficulties with concentration or memory, restlessness, panic, a sense of hopelessness or doom, sadness and feelings of worthlessness – might also be present. If you take the time, you will notice their corresponding sensations.

Take a few moments now to sit in silence and notice what is happening in your body. Where do you feel tension? How busy are your thoughts? What sensations do you feel when you pay attention to your breath or your heartbeat? Try this 3 minute STOP technique to ground to the present moment and recover your awareness.

Forgetfulness, trouble focusing and an inability to solve problems or know what to do are signs that anxiety has affected your cognition. The Acute Stress Response (also known as ‘Fight or Flight’) has another manifestation: Freeze. This is the kind of paralysis of both thought and action we might experience when a stressor starts to shut down cognitive functioning. To the body, it’s the same phenomenon as an animal might experience when suddenly confronted, like a deer that freezes at the realisation it has been seen or the ‘rabbit-in-the-headlights’ response of a beast on a road at night. When a stressor becomes overwhelming, our capacity to reason and use logic drops away and our animal self reacts in self-protection.

The Importance of Self Care and Managing Mental Health during Coronavirus

I work with expats and English speakers around the world and have noticed the impact to mental health is similar whether the person is in Birmingham, Bahrain or Beijing. People are on edge with the ongoing changes to public health ‘rules’ as well as the uncertainty about the virus itself. Many are WTF (working from home), whether by choice or obligation, and this is putting pressure on relationships and disrupting well-being routines that were taken for granted. Even those in the ‘open’ cities of Sweden – Stockholm, Gothenburg, Malmo, Uppsala – are struggling emotionally and physically. As much as the government campaigns might try to convince us otherwise, the coronavirus pandemic and ‘social distancing’ divides us, it doesn’t bring us together. We have to work at staying connected, while managing mental health during Coronavirus, and that takes energy.

The 5 Fundamentals of Well-Being are:
1. Adequate sleep;
2. Regular, nutritious meals;
3. Regular exercise;
4. A balance between work, rest and play;
5. The opportunity to talk about problems.
How many of those can you tick off? Checking in with yourself is just as, if not more, important as connecting with others. To know what you need from others, you first need to have good contact with yourself. If you have noticed things don’t feel right, take some time to listen to your sensations and see if you recognise your emotional state. You might like to try one of these self-compassion exercises. Your body can guide you to what is important right now. Listening to your body is the first step to keeping your head. And if you are struggling with knowing what you need, a conversation with a supportive professional can help.

To make an appointment or find out more about my services, contact me.
July 31, 2020
What To Do When Your Husband, Wife or Partner Refuses to Go to Couples Counselling
Relationship counselling starts too late for most couples and when one of the partners decides they need help, it’s not unusual for the spouse to be resistant to couples counselling. So what can you do if your partner won’t attend therapy?

People often delay relationship counselling out of embarrassment or to avoid cost. Some partners will refuse as part of the power-play that is occurring in the relationship. As an English-speaking couples counsellor working in Sweden I found that couples therapy wasn’t always the answer to saving a marriage or other relationship. There are alternatives for dealing with conflict in relationships when couples counselling is not an option.

1. Find an English-Speaking Therapist and Access Your Own Support

If you are struggling with convincing your husband, wife, sambo, or särbo to see a couples therapist, there’s no doubt you can use support yourself. You see the signs that something is wrong in the relationship and feel unhappy. You are both arguing too often, sex is non-existent, or you discover your partner is ‘cheating’ on you (being unfaithful). You might be recognising the toxic signs of emotional abuse, criticism, manipulation or even gaslighting. And you might be exhausted from trying to make changes. Your anxiety is a sign there is something wrong. In this situation the best thing you can do for the relationship and for yourself is to seek your own counselling support.

Expats and others living in Sweden know we’re instructed to always put the life jacket and oxygen mask on ourselves first. Why then do we try to appease our partners or sacrifice our own needs in the hope that our partners see this and change? When change doesn’t happen it can leave us feeling hopeless and depressed. When you’re already struggling with Swedish culture shock, climate or work-issues your relationship or marriage needs to be a place of intimacy and comfort, not one of distress.

Looking after yourself through getting individual support from a counsellor isn’t ‘selfish’. You can’t help someone from a weak position. Being generous with yourself will refresh you and make it possible to either save the relationship or protect yourself if you need to leave. Being stingy with yourself and denying yourself the care you need is more likely to result in you feeling resentful or regretful in the future.

Book an Online Appointment with a Counselling Therapist

2. Encourage Your Partner to Book into Supportive Individual Counselling

Often, by the time couples agree on counselling, there is already a lot of toxicity in the relationship. It’s hard to come back to a loving relationship when so much hurt is being felt by just one of the partners, let alone both. When one person is resistant to couples counselling, even if that person eventually agrees to attend, it can take some time before they relax enough to trust the therapist and fully participate in the process. You might have more success in encouraging your sambo or spouse to see an individual counsellor instead pressuring them to attend a couples session. Going to relationship counselling together can present too high a threshold for some couples.

The suggestion your partner attends individual counselling will be more reasonable if you already have your own therapist. If you don’t, your partner might assume you are blaming them instead of seeing it as a shared issue. Be the person you want your partner to be and role model the self-care you would like them to take. When both partners access their own support each individual becomes clearer about their own needs. A couples counselling session will be more successful when and if both partners feel ready to attend.

Speak with a Therapist from the Comfort of your Home or Office

3. Can This Relationship Be Saved through Couples Counselling? Is Separation or Divorce Necessary?

Relationship counselling has just two fundamental purposes:
- To support the relationship or marriage to grow or…
- To help the relationship come to an end and assist the couple to separate.
It’s not the job of the couples therapist to take sides or be a referee and support one individual over the other. If you are hoping this will happen in a couples session, it might be better to find a therapist just for yourself! Likewise, if one of the partners wants to end the relationship and the other doesn’t, couples counselling serves little purpose apart from providing the therapist with an income. In this situation, the relationship needs to end. Give yourself the support you need to transition into independence after separation or divorce.

If there is violence in the relationship, and especially if children are witnessing violence, there is no question: you and your partner must separate, at least temporarily. If it is your partner who is committing the violence and they won’t leave, contact the police but get out of harm’s way yourself in any case. No argument is worth risking your safety over.

A couple came to see me in Stockholm asking me to teach them how to ‘fight’ better. I told them it was not something I offered. If they wanted to remain together, I told them I could help them learn to listen to each other and also to be more assertive. There are never two ‘winners’ in a fight and more often it ends in both sides losing. Approaches like the Gottman Method or Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication can be used to train couples to approach each other differently. But these skills rarely work when all the goodwill has been eroded through fighting or toxic silences. This might be time to see a therapist about breaking up.

If you still feel love for your partner, and you know it is mutual, choosing an English speaking couples counsellor might offer a way back to intimacy and trust. But in any case, even if you are in doubt, don’t wait to get help. If you are experiencing unhappiness in your relationship, make an appointment with your own supportive counsellor or therapist today.
January 15, 2020